10/17/2012 11:05 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Tips for Minorities Voting This November

The amount of voter ID legislation over the past few years has been staggering. And blah blah blah voter fraud all you want, these ID laws have one purpose and one purpose only: to stop or dissuade poor and minority voters -- historically Democrat -- from voting. Conservative legislators don't want minorities to vote, period. And ironically it's because conservative white folks are statistically the minority.

Even in my home state of Wisconsin, a group put up billboards aimed at low income neighborhoods which say "Voter fraud is a felony -- Up to 3.5 YRS & $10,000 Fine." According to the Government Accountability Board, only 20 cases of documented voter fraud have occurred in statewide elections over the last 12 years.

In summation, scare tactic bullshit.

Understandably, some minority voters might feel uncomfortable when they visit their polling place this November, especially in states where voter ID laws have been recently implemented. And, of course, they shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable.

If it were up to me, you would just ignore this article (... hello?), say "fuck off" to those trying to stop you from voting, and go vote exactly as you are.

However, if they're looking to get in and get out quickly and unnoticed, I've compiled this short guide to help minority voters do just that.

1. Here's a white guy mask. Actually it's a Christopher Walken mask drawn by artist Brandon Bird.


Take it from me, a white guy, we white guys are bland and forgettable. Plus, Walken has a creepy, stare-into-your-soul way about him that will urge people to leave you be.

Anyone looking to give minorities trouble at the polls will see you sachet in -- we white people are always doing that -- cast your vote, and then walk out to what they assume is a mountain bike pulling a kid carrier occupied by a jack russell terrier you've cleverly named Terrance Jack Russell (Oh, people will find the play on words to be a hoot!). Blast Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA" out of your iPhone as you ride away for maximum effect.

2. Here are some things to say while waiting to vote. With these, people will think you're a run-of-the-mill white person, and not a minority with scary voting rights.

  • "I think I'll make perogies tonight."
  • "I better vote quick, Skylar will be out of Montessori school soon."
  • "This Mumford & Sons album is neat."
  • "Did I set my DVR for the new Ax-Men tonight?" *
  • "Where did I leave my moleskine notebook?? I must have my moleskine notebook!"

*Ax-Men, Ice Road Truckers, Gold Rush -- you have to admit, white people love all shitty TV equally.

3. Here are a few clothing items or accessories you may consider wearing. Again, ignore all this advice and go in as yourself and vote your conscience, because, hey, fuck the people who don't want you there. But, as I said, if you're looking for quick ninja stealth, these might help.

White people throw scarves on everything. How do you think choking yourself for sexual arousal came about? With all these white people wearing scarves, a few had to accidentally chokes themselves with one. And then of all the white people accidentally choking themselves with a scarf, of course someone got a boner from it. The thing is, if you're wearing a scarf, people will avoid you, because you probably have a lot to say, and the thought of a white guy wearing a scarf with a lot to say... gives me chills. Let me grab my scarf -- no wait! Whew, that was close.

Just carry some hockey pads with you. Or wear a hockey jersey. Doesn't matter what team, what league. Doesn't even have to be real; it can be one of those Looney Toons hockey jerseys. Wow, in fact, that's even better. If someone tries to talk to you while you're wearing a Looney Toons hockey jersey, another voter will inevitably caution them like you're a rattlesnake, "No, let them be... just... let them be..." You know what? Any Looney Toons sports apparel will suffice.

I'm sure there are plenty of minorities who enjoy hockey now, but there's still that stereotype floating around, and the people trying to stop you from voting probably still eat that stereotype up, like a Cracker Barrel breakfast smothered in cheesy hashbrowns. Mmm, delicious white people stereotypes.

The Beer Drinking Helmet
Strap on one of those helmets with the beer cup holders and the crazy straws that circle around your head into your mouth. White guys, this is what happens when you're in charge of a country for this long. You get sloppy and start inventing things like helmets which facilitate more hands-free drinking. Gah, we're really just phoning it in now, aren't we, white guys?

So, there you have it. A few options if you're a minority heading to the polls this November and you don't feel like being hassled.

Then again, ignore all this, fuck those people, and go vote as yourself. Besides, most of the time we're copying you anyway.