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12/16/2014 10:53 am ET Updated Feb 15, 2015

The Real Dick Cheney "Meet the Press" Interview...

With the release of the Senate Intelligence Committee's report on the CIA's detention and interrogation programs, which cites brutal acts of torture on detainees between 2001-2006, Chuck Todd, host of NBC's "Meet the Press," sat down this past Sunday with former vice president Dick Cheney. Below is the original version of that interview before Cheney's people threatened Todd with a very cold, wet death if he didn't destroy it and re-interview him. Thankfully, Kim Jong-un's hackers were able to locate the original and make it public:

TODD: Mr. Vice President, this report is utterly shocking in its findings. The level of torture qualifies as criminal; a blatant violation of the Geneva Conventions as well as our own moral standards here in America.

CHENEY: Well, it all depends on how you define torture.

TODD: Detainees were kept naked, chained and shackled, beaten, starved, waterboarded, shot and even killed.

CHENEY: Get to the torture part...

TODD: And you would do all these things again?

CHENEY: You bet your liberal ass I would! And just for shits and giggles, Chuckie. They don't call me Dr. Evil for nothing.

TODD: So you don't think any of this is torture.

CHENEY: Torture to me is having to listen to Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. You can waterboard my ass all day long...just please don't make me listen to those two.

TODD: Let me ask you about a few specific cases. Let's start with Abu Zubaydah, who was waterboarded so aggressively, leading led to convulsions and vomiting....and in one instance he became completely unresponsive with bubbles rising through his open full mouth.

CHENEY: Bubbles? Sounds like party-fun to me, Chuck.

TODD: But Mr. Vice President, Zubaydah was also shot while he was held captive....and developed an infection in his left eye, which had to be removed.

CHENEY: He's got two eyes, for Pete's sake. What does he want...everything?

TODD: What about the near-drowning of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who was waterboarded at least 183 times?

CHENEY: That's not torture. In my house that's a shower.

TODD: Mr. Cheney, this next allegation is even more disturbing. It involves...er...um...rectal feeding or rectal hydration, without any documented medical need. Seems like it was used as a form of behavior control.

CHENEY: Damn right it was. I think we got that idea from that Al Pacino movie, "CRUISING."

TODD: That's not funny, Mr. Vice President.

CHENEY: (looks at Todd glaringly, with sounds coming from his mouth as if he's chewing on marbles) Do you see me laughing?

TODD: Some detainees were forced to walk around naked and shackled, hands above their heads. Dragged all over the place, being beaten. What is your response to that?

CHENEY: Um...that would be the Pacino film again.

TODD: C'mon, Mr. Cheney, one detainee, Gul Rahman, was found naked from the waist down, chained to the floor of his unheated cell, frozen to death. That, quite frankly, is unconscionable.

CHENEY: He didn't pay his utility bill. So we turned off the heat. We're not running an SRO at Gitmo!

TODD: Mr. Cheney, I'm really starting to get upset with your arrogance, colossal inhumanity and chilling disconnect from reality.

CHENEY: Chuck, one more comment like that and I'll chain you to the floor naked, club you with a spiked paddle and pour ice water all over you while blasting Ariana Grande.

TODD: Now that, Mr. Vice President, is indisputable torture. You can't deny that.

CHENEY: You're right, Chuck. No one should have to listen to Ariana Grande.