10/27/2008 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Sen. John McMighty-Mouse: "Here I Come to Save the Day!"


"Greatest American Hero", 2008
original painting by Dana Ellyn

Thank God Sen. John McCain is back in Washington "focusing on the economy." I was beginning to worry there for a minute that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson, Sen. Chris Dodd, Rep. Barney Frank, the Senate Banking Committee and the House Financial Services Committee would never be able to collectively reach a compromise on President Bush's $700-billion Wall Street bailout bill. I mean, seriously, this thing's huge. As Bush so astutely warned in his address to the nation Wednesday night, the "entire economy is in danger!" So now that McCain, our dogged little economic Mighty Mouse, is back in town, we can rest assured everything will be fixed in no time. In fact, just the mere specter of him headed back to D.C. caused lawmakers late Wednesday to essentially come to acceptable bi-partisan terms on the measure. Damn, he's good. The guy doesn't even have to be physically in town to make shit happen. Now that's the kind of leadership we need.

So why stop with Wall Street? There are plenty of other crises for which McMighty could come to the rescue. Take the New York Mets, for example. The Flushing Meltdown threatens to occur yet again. Last year, with a 7-game lead on September 12, the Mets gave new meaning to the term "choke" by losing 12 of their last 17 games, ending the season in one of the worst collapses in Major League Baseball history. In their stunning 9-6 loss to the Chicago Cubs Wednesday night, the Mets found themselves once again flirting with disaster, dropping to a tie for the National League's wildcard spot. A couple more losses and '08's over as well. I strongly urge McMighty, when he's done saving Wall Street from our nation's second worst financial disaster, to hop the No. 7 train out to Willets Point, suit up in the Shea Stadium locker room, and help the Mets avoid another heartbreaking baseball catastrophe. If anyone can do it, he can.

And thank heavens we have "country first" politicians like Sen. McMighty. Brave legislators who know how critical it is to put aside their own political aspirations so they can sit around with Bush in the White House going, "yup, yup, we're fucked. This shit's huge!' Because that's important. So much more important than debating. We need McMighty in D.C. this week doing whatever it is he is going to do to lead Congress and Wall Street out of this mess. Who cares what his specific economic plans are if elected? Why bore voters with such trivial nonsense.

Also, we're grateful to McMighty for so unselfishly "suspending his campaign" while he whips Washington into shape. And for anyone who doesn't believe him, just listen to all his top campaign strategists and surrogates who've been on the TV news shows non-stop since Wednesday's announcement bashing Obama over it.