05/17/2006 05:08 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Vote Democratic and You'll Get Rich!

There's a lot of talk going around about the upcoming mid term elections and the future of the Democratic Party. Suggestions have ranged from the notion that perhaps its not the best thing for the Party to win control of the House and Senate to suggesting possible campaign slogans like "Had Enough". Although, no one has asked me, I vote for wresting control of both houses and would like to offer a different but equally succinct phrase which I feel certain will propel the party to success by accurately reflecting the deepest held sentiments in American hearts today.

It's simple add the phrase " and you'll get rich" to the end of every wonky policy argument and campaign speech !

Democrats should take a lesson from senate Republicans who only last week successfully approved the extension of tax cuts that once again only benefit the wealthiest amongst us. Democrats voiced their typical outrage, like Democratic Senator Max Baucua of Montana, who was quoted as saying, "working people have been left behind." Republicans have surely taken note that to date these tax cuts haven't caused a civil uprising across the land because they have successfully figured out and crassly exploited the knowledge that Democrats need to learn: most Americans don't care to identify with working people. We think of our working life as a temporal condition through which we are merely passing on our way to eventually becoming those rich people who will benefit from tax cuts. How else to explain the iconic status afforded to the rich in our culture today?

In one of my commentaries on NPR, I recently spoke of a phenomenon I called Celebrity Slowing- not unlike "spectator slowing " that occurs following a traffic accident,

Our obsession with fame, I argued, by all appearances is the force that is holding American's brains hostage and paralyzing our better judgment as we are transfixed by the 24/7 drum beat of infotainment news heralding Britney's baby, Courtney's drug problems, Ashley's possible plastic surgery. But I was wrong. I think instead, a more appropriate analysis shows that as a nation we are suffering from the hypnotic effect caused by exposure to large sums of money.

Tantalizing as fame is, it's the cash that really draws us in. How else to explain our limitless attention span for the x-ploits and antics of the sentient blond toothpick known as Paris Hilton? Would we really be able to stomach the bombastic, imperious temperment and comb over of The Donald is he weren't rich? Would we have put up this administration for this long if somewhere we didn't suspect that they must know something, because after all, Chaney and Bush are so rich!

And why wouldn't we revere the rich above all else? If we fail to become wealthy we risk social ostracism, lose our ability to afford health care, risk facing our later years in poverty and deprivation, and of course as a nation we witnessed all the too clearly the terrible price paid by the residents of New Orleans who had failed to be rich.

Yuck, give me Paris Hilton's life any day!

Is it really any wonder that when you put in the words "democratic party and the future" you produce approximately 43 million hits on Google, but when you enter the phrase, "I want to be rich" you get over 280 million hits. Now I don't know how the search engine works, but the people who invented Google are really rich so they must be on to something, right?

Of course, would it actually be true that voting Democratic will make you rich? Well, I'm an actress who has never once successfully balanced her checkbook, but let's give it a go:

Global warming: Your typical Al Gore passionate speech about saving our planet for our children's future.... blah, blah, blah, wow, Al doesn't have that beard anymore, thank God!

Translation: You can't sell your house at a profit when it's under water.

Becomes: Reduce Greenhouses Gasses and you'll get rich!

End the War: This war was initiated based on faulty even manipulated information ...... been there, done that.

Translation: if we stopped hemorrhaging money on the failed strategies we are employing in the war in Iraq we could use that money towards putting some of your health care dollars back in your pocket.

Becomes: End the war in Iraq and you'll get rich!

Tax Cuts: "Working people have been left behind" ...a Democratic who-caresathon.

Translation: if we all pooled our measly tax refunds together we might have enough money to provide quality education for our children who'd get better jobs and then--- that's right-- get rich.

Becomes: Restore taxes and you'll get rich!

It's like that old game where you add the phrase "in bed" to the end of any fortune cookie. Exciting adventures await you "in bed". Friends and colleagues admire you "in bed".

It's fun and catchy! Take the phrase " and you'll get rich" and add it on to anything that the Democratic Party supports. It works! (O.k., it's really just employing the theory of enlightened self-interest but the word "theory" has gotten a bad rap of late, so let's not mention it!) But, oh, right, that's the other problem, exactly what can all the Democrats agree to stand for? Well, if the Democrats could just figure out what they stand for, and they follow my advice I'd bet my future fortune that they'll win and ultimately you'll get rich! Or at least richer.