It's been about a week since the Ashley Madison fallout and my phone is blowing up! Hackers posted customer data (names, addresses and sexual fantasies) of 33 million customers who used the online dating service to have an affair. Business for marriage counselors and divorce attorneys should be great for the next year. After all, infidelity is a betrayal and the single most cited cause of divorce.
Without question, infidelity can devastate the individuals in the relationship, their children, and extended family members. Yet despite the consequences, a large percentage of exclusive romantic relationships are affected by it. And for years, psychologists have been trying to find out why.
Researchers investigating unfaithful partners report several motives for infidelity including: relationship dissatisfaction, emotional neglect, anger or revenge, and sexual motives. Except for cases with sexual motives, problems with the primary relationship are blamed for the infidelity. And, outside of the relationship factors, it's impossible to predict who is likely to have an affair? But, we can point out the risk factors that lead to infidelity and may be cause for concern. So, here are five warning signs that your partner might have a cheating heart.
1. The Best Predictor of Future Behavior is Past Behavior.
As simple as it sounds, past behaviors are the best predictor of future behaviors. History repeats itself, so you need to know your partner's past. Ask questions about relationships, their lengths and level of commitment, and inquire about why the relationships ended. And, don't skip questions about infidelity or their opinions on what is, and what is not appropriate interaction with friends.
A history of past infidelity does not guarantee that infidelity will happen in a current relationship. People learn from their mistakes and experience personal growth. And when they do, they are open to sharing their lessons. But, if your partner responds to your questions with a cavalier attitude, make a mental note of this red flag and further explore this topic. Remember, those who fail to learn from mistakes of the past usually repeat them.
2. Cheating Intentions
Much of the research on infidelity points to three factors that together influence one's intention to cheat. These factors include having a favorable (blasé) attitude towards infidelity, having a social network that condones or supports infidelity, and having confidence in one's ability to attract a romantic partner. Be careful, red flags are often hidden and not immediately disclosed. This underscores the importance of knowing your partner and sharing the emotional intimacy that develops through trust and feeling safe enough to disclose what's really on your mind.
3. "I Love You" (Limited Time Offer, Available While Passions Last)
Serial monogamy is pattern of engaging in several, intense, passionate, and short lived romantic relationships, in a series, one after the other. Serial monogamists are addicted to the thrill and passion of new love and bounce from one person to the next without regard for the pain they inflict. The good news is they are not likely to cheat on their significant other while their relationship is intense and exciting. But when those feelings wane and their attention is drawn elsewhere, they begin a new relationship before the last one ends.
4. The Casanova or Aphrodite Syndrome (Ludic Love Style)
The Casanova (male) or Aphrodite (female) syndrome is characterized by an obsessive desire to have sex with a variety of different partners without deep emotional investment. These Ludic lovers are players and may have several partners at a time. They regard sex as a sport and engage in relationships as long as it remains a challenge to gain control over their partner
Too often, those who get involved with a Casanova or Aphrodite become convinced of their partners undying love and loyalty and believe their new partner can change. Reality Check- these people rarely change. If he looks like a Casanova and acts like a Casanova, guess what?
5. Investment Model of Relationship Commitment.
In the early 1980s, social psychologist Caryl Rusbult developed the investment model of relationship commitment to explain how people become committed to and stick to their partners. According to the model, couples' commitment to relationships is contingent upon three factors: relationship satisfaction, quality of alternatives, and investments.
Partners' commitment to their relationship increases when they experience high levels of satisfaction of their important needs such as companionship, intimacy, sexuality, and belonging. Commitment is also strengthened by the belief that one is unlikely to find someone better than his or her current partner. Finally, commitment is influenced by how much one has invested into the relationship in terms of time, energy, and other important resources. Homes, family, friends, possessions, and income are huge investments into the relationship and make it far too costly to break and lose. So pay attention to the health and happiness of your relationship and your partner's level of investment. That's the best diagnostic tool you can use to predict infidelity.
Hind Sight is Twenty-Twenty
When reflecting on past relationships, people often recognize early warning signs they previously overlooked. Sometimes couples are blinded by love and minimize the red flags they see. Others hide in denial and rationalize bad behavior. Don't let that happen to you. Ask your partner important questions and talk about your feelings. If you find you are hesitant, perhaps you don't yet know your partner well enough to be in a committed relationship.