02/24/2014 01:25 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Did The 2014 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover Go Too Ménage-à-Far?

As someone who was raised in South Florida, I owned more bathing suits than any other article of clothing. To this day, even though I live much farther North than my beloved Miami, I still own a ridiculous amount of bathing suits. OK, so now that I have stated my case for my love of bathing suits, it will not sound nearly as weird when I say that I look forward to the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit issue every year. I look to it for the trends in bathing suits and inspiration to get my butt in shape. So when I went to the newsstand to grab my annual copy -- the 50th Anniversary issue, no less -- I nearly had a heart attack. Staring back at me were three topless chicks with their hands on each other's nearly bare asses. What the hell?


This cover is such a let-down. What's more, it's the most tasteless photo throughout the entire magazine. Why did they pick it? To sell magazines, I get that. But to whom? Everyone, I guess, because everyone can reach up and buy it. I did. Yes, I bought it. I had to, it's the 50th anniversary edition of a magazine I have been buying for 20 years. I bought my first issue when I was 16. That was in 1994. The Dream Team was on the cover. Elle Macpherson, Kathy Ireland and Rachel Hunter. WEARING COMPLETE BATHING SUITS!

I am desperate for this post not to be a case of me being a prude, or a mid-thirties "just jealous" bitch or a mom ranting, because this is not about me, it's about three naked chicks on the cover of a magazine at the checkout lanes of the supermarket, for all to see. Most of all, tweens and teens. This should not be an image Sports Illustrated is portraying! I expect this from Playboy, NOT SI! I am so disappointed.

I feel for the parents trying to raise girls in this environment. I remember the pressures of being a tween/teen and wanting to be a popular girl. I realize now how much easier I had it than the girls of today. I didn't have sex driving the rules of popularity. I just needed to know how to tight roll my jeans, stay relatively thin and apply makeup. Most of all, I had to be smart and funny and fun to be around. Today, it seems the recipe for a girl to be trendy and popular is to look like she got attacked by a makeup counter and the ability to pull her t-shirt down just enough to cover her ass. Such a shame.

Is there a way to fix this? Probably not. Do the parents of today have a constant uphill battle? Absolutely. The only saving grace is knowing the days of big fake breasts came and went, so hopefully, tweens dressing like strippers will too. I know there are parents out there winning this battle. I see tweens and teens out there dressed in 'age-appropriate' outfits. To those parents, I applaud you. I know it cannot be easy. I imagine magzine covers like these cannot be making your job any easier.

And finally, to Sports Illustrated, SHAME ON YOU! You sell a version of your magazine for children, and because of that kids look up to your name and magazines. What the hell is wrong with you? I imagine you would have no trouble selling this magazine with a more tasteful cover, yet you went dumpster diving to the pits of shame and pulled this one out. And for 50th Anniversary issue? I am scared to see what you come up with next year. I mean, how could you possibly top three naked girls?