02/01/2013 05:46 pm ET Updated Apr 03, 2013

The Super Bowl? Impartial

It's that time of the year again. The time when adult men begin to wear the jerseys of other adult men. The time when television commercials suddenly become important. Nachos are no longer a careless after school snack, but a symbol -- a symbol of both freedom and athleticism. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the Super Bowl.

Now I know that I'll probably disappoint a few people with my lack of enthusiasm for America's big day (which I just found out wasn't when March of the Penguins was released on DVD). I know that my Dad wishes I cared more about Bowl Day but luckily, because of people like Squeaky Fromme and Lindsay Lohan, I definitely can't be the world's worst daughter. So, although I'm sorry Dad, I'm not that sorry.

I do realize that for a lot of people this is a big day and I wouldn't want to ruin it for anyone. It would be like someone trying to tell me that the Academy Awards don't matter. That it doesn't matter what Halle Berry's dress looks like this year or that it "isn't a big deal" that the Academy made a colossal oversight in not nominating Ben Affleck.

I also recognize that this year is especially thrilling because the two rival coaches are brothers. Is it un-American that I don't feel strongly about which brother is the victor? Let's face it, they're not as cool as the Baldwin brothers, but who is?

Clearly, the most important part of this year's Super Bowl is that Destiny's Child is performing. If Beyoncé is there, then everyone wins. This is a general rule that I think applies to everything. This and the rule about beautiful things usually being mean (i.e. Tina Turner or Box Jellyfish).

So with all of the sports information I just laid out on the table, I hope that everyone is left feeling more informed about the big day. If this is published before the Super Bowl, then go Lakers! If it's published afterwards, then I hope Manti Te'o was named MVP. He's been through so much lately, he deserves it.