Inspired by the Trump interview on 60 Minutes (Sept 27, 2015)
Jorge Ramos: President Trump, on your deportation plan...
President Trump: I didn't call on you.
Jorge Ramos: I represent Univision. I have a right...
Trump: Excuse me. Wait until my lawsuit against Univision gets to the Supreme Court.
Jorge Ramos By then you'll have your sister on the Supreme Court.
Trump: She's smart, very smart. And she knows I love women and I'm in favor of women's health. Mexican women. All women. Sit down, or I'll appoint Ann Coulter U.S. Ambassador to Mexico.
Ramos: I have a question. What about your plan to deport eleven million or more...
Trump: Sit down, or the Secret Service will remove you.
Ramos: I'm a fully credentialed American citizen.
Trump: You have an accent. And you've never been nice to me. Besides, Helen Thomas asks the first question. Where's Helen?
Reporter: Mr. President, she died nearly four years ago.
Trump: While she was dying, I was creating jobs. Politicians talk and talk. All she did was write and write, for 60 years, and she still could not afford to buy a one bedroom unit in my cheapest building. A loser. So why did she stop working?
Reporter: She said Jews should leave Israel and go back to Germany.
Trump: My lawyer is Jewish. I like Jews. Many of them, just like the Saudis, buy apartments from me. I can unite Jews and Arabs. I know how to do it! And the biggest Chinese bank is one of my tenants. I love the Chinese. They love me. Mel Gibson has a Trump condo, but many Jews work for me. Ivanka works for me. I love Israel.
Reporter: Why do you feel that way, Mr. President?
Trump: Israel knows how to treat its veterans. And they have a wall. The Chinese built the best wall...so far. But no one builds a wall like Trump, you'll see. It will be YOU-UUGE. And with a big welcome beautiful doorway for people who speak English and who read my book.
Reporter: Helen Thomas opposed Israel's wall.
Trump: You see, anyone who is anti-wall goes down in the polls. Besides, is that the face you would want to open each presidential news conference?
Reporter: For years, Mr. President, Helen was the UPI reporter who traditionally asked the first question. Regardless of her looks...
Trump: Excuse me, but what if you had Carly Fiorina on 'The View" answering a question from fat, ugly Rosie O'Donnell who attacks beauty pageants? Carly is a beautiful woman, inside and out, I've said that, but listening to Carly gives me a headache, looking at Rosie verges on a migraine. Look, with my YOU-UUGE inheritance I was able to buy many disgusting-looking New York politicians. I knew Congresswoman Bella Abzug, and fair is fair for Megyn Kelly: Kelly, you're no Bella.
Reporter: Gloria Steinem doesn't like your tone.
Trump: Christians are being beheaded. And she talks about my tone. Many journalists are horrible, horrible people. I never heard of Rich Lowry until he talked about my private parts. There will be no more questions unless reporters are nice to me.
Reporter: But Mr. President, you must hold news conferences for the American people.
Trump: I'm going to increase ratings like you've never seen. We're going to run commercials, with the money going to the vets. I'll pick a Twitter woman to ask the opening question each news conference, because...
Reporter: Twitter doesn't have reporters...
Trump: A Twitter woman will cover me. I'll be able to say, 'She has a good figure. If I were not president, I would be dating her.'
Reporter: Isn't that sexist?
Trump: People are tired of political correctness.
Reporter: What about your marriage?
Trump: Before me, no one was elected president with A.D.D. That's why I can cover so many subjects in thirty seconds. Ronald Reagan was great, I admired him, and he admired me. We were both divorced. And he was the first divorced man to be president. I'm the first twice-divorced man to be elected president. Now, what do I do? When I get that 2AM call, do I want to be high energy or always with the same person? I could be the first president divorced while in office. Divorced people are not losers. I love divorced people. And they love me, if you know what I mean. Besides, many African-Americans are divorced. African-Americans are in my buildings, even as tenants, and they have no problems with the police.
Reporter: I'm from El-Jazeera, and Arab lives matter.
Trump: Be fair to me or I'll buy your network. I can say, 'You're fired.'
Reporter: Would you be open to your successor being a Muslim?
Trump: The U.S. Constitution says no religious test, unless of course the Muslim was an anchor baby. Muslims love me. Muslim veterans in America know I'm on their side, if, of course, they served in our military. McCain was not good for veterans. Rick Perry was a veteran, and the V.A. prescribed glasses to make him look smarter. That was not priority. But we can't have a First Lady wearing a hejib.
Reporter: You mean a hijab.
Trump: Burka, that word I know. That was a got-cha question. When the time comes, I'll know more Arab words than you ever will.
Reporter: When will that time come?
Trump: Timing is everything in making a deal. I don't learn anything until there is 'a need to know.'
Reporter: After your two terms in office, will you support a Muslim, or not?
Trump: I'll pick the right Muslim who respects my legacy -- the best Persian rug merchant I can find who prays five times a day on a prayer rug that shows no signs of wear. Those people are good negotiators. They don't need to read The Art of the Deal, but it will soon be in Arabic, because Palestinians need it. They could have moved to Syria.
Reporter: What about the Koran?
Trump: I'm a Presbyterian.
Reporter: Many of the Palestinians are secular.
Trump: Even the Pope has sciatica. We'll throw chiropractors into the deal.
Reporter: Will you admit more Arab male refugees now? They want to leave France because they say they are unfairly blamed for raping women who dress provocatively.
Trump: I'm going to send the beheaders back and keep the good ones. And there are many good ones. Many, many good ones.
Reporter: How will you know the beheaders?
Trump: Why would I put my strategy out there? I can say this: San Francisco will not be a sanctuary city for beheaders. Of course I can't tell you how I know this, but beheaders are getting Obamacare for carpel tunnel syndrome, and we have a tremendous number of unreported beheadings. They behead people who try to get the facts out about the beheadings. Look, once we identify a beheader, I can keep out all eight wives, and an average of thirty-eight children. Think of all those income tax exemptions we don't have to provide.
Reporter: Let me ask you about tax policy. You pledged to tax hedge fund managers at regular rates, not the lower capital gains rate.
Trump: That applied only to stocks. They can still invest in real estate at preferred rates and go bankrupt four times, as I did, using the same law available to all Americans who can take advantage of it.
Reporter: Is this part of your economic plan?
Trump: Absolutely, provide opportunity, not minimum wage jobs. Just like the way I used eminent domain. If you like a piece of property, give money to a politician, get the government to condemn it, and buy it on the cheap.
Reporter: May I change the subject? Why are you still funding Planned Parenthood?
Trump: I said during the campaign I would fund it, and I would not. We've had stupid people running our country, stupid people at Planned Parenthood, and stupid reporters like you.
Reporter: You once said you learned about foreign policy from television. So let me ask...
Trump: Excuse me. Anyone can be knowledgeable, fluent and articulate, like Marco Rubio who owed money to credit card companies. I am rich. Very, very rich. I was never briefed for any presidential debate. I will not change now. Wm. F. Buckley Jr. wanted to be governed by names at random from the telephone book and thus endorsed me before he died. I want to be as uninformed as the American people. They want a strong leader who does not need a teleprompter. The election's mandate is clear - a president who talks off the cuff, stream of consciousness, imprecisely and not preoccupied with consequences. People know I'm smart, very smart. We know that presidents who read daily CIA briefings do bad deals.
Reporter: You said you would resolve our problems with Russia by meeting with Putin.
Trump: I will say this, Putin is high-energy, but people like him ride horses in Central Park, with or without a shirt. I won't give this has-been the time of day unless he releases our hostages.
Reporter: Russia doesn't have any hostages.
Trump: They are holding Americans who know where Obama was born. I won't do any deal with Russia until we find out if Obama was born in China or another country ripping us off. And remember, John Kerry was 73 and riding a bicycle. That's why the Iran deal was the worst.
Reporter: What now?
Trump: We have a win-win situation, that's the way my deals work. I sent Henry Kissinger to see the Iranians. He didn't say anything, just grunted and mumbled and recited the Paris Vietnam accords from memory. But his wife Nancy used to work for Nelson Rockefeller, and the Rockefellers put the Shah in power. She is taller than Henry and also wears high heels. She even wore a burka. If I were a woman in my eighties, I also would wear a burka. That's politically incorrect, I know. I love women in their eighties. Anyway, she intimidated them to accept an unlimited number of Mexican rapists who are here illegally.
Reporter: How many rapists?
Trump: Excuse me. Not just rapists but also other bad people, really bad people who do bad things. Do you understand these are not nice people? The agreement provides they convert from Catholicism to Islam. Santorum is a Catholic. Huckabee is not a Presbyterian. They and the evangelicals will not oppose me on this, because I went to Sunday school. Chris Christie complains, because he was a choir boy. But he's fat and was not molested. Scott Walker doesn't care, because union membership will decline; he's always unintimidated. Ben Carson is aboard, as long as no Seventh Day Adventists with gifted hands are involved in the deal.
Reporter: What do we get out of this?
Trump: Excuse me. We're going to make America great again. I'm going to find all the relatives of these rapists and bad people and also send them over to Iran for family reunification. I am for families. I'm a nice person. Really nice. No one is for families more than this president. That's why I have three. Family values.
Reporter: Throughout the election you said the Bible was the most important book to you, and you brought it with you when you spoke before evangelical groups. Now that you're president, will you tell us any scripture that is meaningful for you?
Trump: I can never disclose this information because it might be used by ISIS. I explained this at last week's Congressional Prayer Breakfast. Obviously you are an incompetent reporter.
Reporter: Why in your inaugural address did you say that Congress is the dumbest in history?
Trump: I did not say 'in history'; I said dumb, low-energy, lightweights who are corrupt lackeys of Wall Street special interests. You have to insult them to get anything done. If they don't pass what I want, then no White House tours for their constituents, no FBI tours, so souvenir pens. They hit me, I hit them back, twice as hard. I will not take criticism unless I deserve it. And I never do.
Reporter: What happened to the usual honeymoon with Congress for a new president?
Trump: Honeymoons are for losers who owe money on student loans. I was first in my class at Wharton.
Reporter: How can you have a truce with Congress?
Trump: Let's face it -- a lot of them are stupid people who don't want to be called stupid.
Reporter: But they have to represent their district or state....
Trump: I was so nice to Marco Rubio, even with his low net worth, and he attacked me anyway. He was a clown, disloyal even to Jeb Bush who was his mentor. They pretended not to hate each other. You know it when I hate someone. I am straightforward. Do you want to feel my hair? I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.
Reporter: Are you getting Ford to build a plant here instead of Mexico?
Trump: I'm talking to them about a new Edsel hybrid plant in Wisconsin, which is depressed because Scott Walker was a terrible governor and didn't graduate from college. I can tell you this, off the record. I cut a deal last night on the phone with VW to put its giant plant, not in Mexico, but in Detroit. They will use untrained, unskilled labor at premium hourly rates. In return, I promised that the original designers of the Obamacare website will create new software to measure their diesel emissions, and VW will self-inspect at the Detroit site.
Reporter: What's your forecast for economic growth and the unemployment rate?
Trump: Excuse me. I'm not going to tell you my strategy and let hedge funds get advance word and make money.
Reporter; Now, about the future. You did not have a vice presidential running mate...
Trump: Because, obviously, I'm irreplaceable. The Democrats ran a candidate for vice president because they didn't have confidence in their nominee.
Reporter: But what if something happens to you now?
Trump: Ask Melania. I am in better shape than anyone in Seal Team Six. And we're not treating Navy Seal veterans properly. They sit for days in the same chair in the waiting room for an appointment with a doctor who doesn't speak English. They want the American dream - to live in a Trump Tower and use the high-tech gym.
Reporter: And what do you want for your legacy?
Trump: I am rich, very rich. And smart, very smart. And a really nice person. People don't realize that. But I want to be remembered for making America great again. I have written a will that clearly says to whom I am leaving the presidency.
Reporter: Thank you, Mr. President.