THE BLOG
12/29/2014 01:14 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The 17 Resolutions All Humans Need to Make This Year

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It's the same old story with an unchanging ending across the face of mankind (or just America): Human makes New Year's resolution. Human abides by resolution for first week. Human struggles. Human struggles some more. Human clings by shred of hope, a quickly fading dream with a distinct vignette border. Vignette closes, consumes dream. Human... fails.

The thing about these goals we make? They're (usually) completely selfish, so we don't affect anyone when we miss the mark. "I'm going to exercise five days a week!" we shout, or write down or just visualize. But shouting, writing and visualizing don't actually get the job done. And that's okay, because the rest of us are fine.

This year, I propose we make resolutions that we have to stick to, because they will affect everyone else. For the better. And if somebody fails, we'll go all Twilight Zone season 1, episode 22 on that guy and throw stones. Without further ado, I issue forth a call to fellow humankind for a better world. Here are the top resolutions EVERY PERSON EVER must adhere to, beginning in 2015 (and lasting forevermore).

1. I will not tailgate drivers who are going the designated speed limit or above.

Sometimes I glance in my rearview and I'll see a little stinker on my tail when I'm going 50 in a 45 zone. Cool it, bruh.

2. I will get out of the left lane if driving at a speed slower than cars behind.

I figured we should just get the road etiquette goals out of the way from the get-go. And, by the way, this makes number one an exception. The left lane is for faster drivers. It's not rocket science. In fact, we learned this in driver's ed when we were children.

3. I will remember to say thank you to those who hold open doors for me.

Because, yeah. A polite acknowledgement is kind of necessary.

4. Also, I will not slam the door in the faces of those who are right behind me.

Would it kill you to hold the door for half a second? Unless you are carrying a person with a critical injury into the ER and are in a bit of a rush (etc., etc.), I think it would be OK.

5. I will not take a full cart of groceries into the express lane.

Because the express lane is for 15 ITEMS or under. Please read. Thanks.

6. I will not talk loudly on my phone in public.

Nobody wants to hear about what Tina did to Darrell in the Target bathroom (not Walking Dead Daryl -- in that case, we'd actually all want to hear). Dirty. Private. Gross. Stop.

7. I will not take my shoes off in public if I have foot odor.

UUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

8. I will not hop into your personal bubble to talk to you if I have coffee breath.

Actually, there shouldn't be any personal bubble-hopping as it is, coffee breath or pizza breath or Orbit breath or lemon meringue pie breath.

9. I will look up from my phone if you are trying to converse with me.

Okay, guilty as charged. It really is impossible to listen to my mom talk about her kickboxing class and fire off an email simultaneously. Unless I'm OK with words like "roundhouse kick" included in the message.

10. I will not look at my phone while crossing the street.

Guilty again. This is arguably pretty dangerous -- even if I do look both ways before checking Facebook -- so, yeah, it's time to cut this out forever.

11. I will not let my dog crap all over the lawns of other residents.

Nothin' like poopy shoeprints on my carpet. Awww. So cute!

12. I will not chat up the cashier for three hours.

Dude, it's great that you're both die-hard Alanis Morissette fans, but scribble down your number and swipe your card. My frozen peas are thawing.

13. I will play my music at a reasonable decibel, especially if I live in an apartment or other shared living space.

I do not appreciate vibrating walls because the guy below me decided Big Sean should blow the roof out. (No hate against Big Sean, I do love that one song.)

14. I will not talk during the movie at the theater.

HUSH! I CAN'T HEAR WHAT BILBO IS SAYING TO THORIN!

15. I will not leave three drops of coffee left in the coffeepot at work.

Hey, you. You who stole all the coffee and didn't brew a fresh pot for the rest of us. Go stand in the corner for the rest of the morning. (This one's courtesy of my mom, who is pretty indignant about coffeepot etiquette).

16. I will not order tons of food in the drive-thru.

Because no.

17. I will not use all the toilet paper without putting on a new roll afterward.

It's awesome to take a pee, reach for the non-existent paper and subsequently be forced to use the cardboard roll itself as a makeshift wipe. Wait, nobody else does that?