THE BLOG
03/14/2009 05:12 am ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

Yoga Poses

This weekend, I went to a yoga class with some friends. I haven't been to a yoga class in 13 years, and things have changed. First, the clothes are a lot cuter now. 2nd, the mats come in ice-cream and M & M colors. It was a serene Yoga Studio, with peaceful music playing gently and Buddha statues sprinkled here and there, to remind Type A personalities like me, to slow down and breathe.

"I need this," I thought, as my left shoulder tightened up automatically, when I remembered the presentation I had to finish by 5 pm. "Nope, I need balance. I need to take care of myself, maybe these yoga poses will help me stop hunching over a laptop."

Ok, 1st pose, Lying Down Child. Hey, this is a piece of cake. I can do this. Next, let's support all of our weight on our elbows and toes, keeping your back straight. Let's hold that for 3 minutes. This is called the Dolphin Plank Pose.

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I think it really called, the Hey, My Abs are Like Mashed Potatoes Pose. Followed by, the decidedly non-peaceful thought of "How long do you really expect me to stay in this position?" In fact, Ghandi would not have been happy with some of my wandering thoughts. Stay focused!

Then, the instructor, took his shirt off, ostensibly to show us how our muscles were supposed to look. One middle aged woman gasped, and he shrugged, "Yea, I know, I have a great body."

"Hmmm," I thought, well this is certainly an unexpected bonus. A little Yoga Eye Candy to stay motivated, or perhaps to feel even worse about how much cellulite has accumulated while I've been busy avoiding Yoga studios.

Next pose, made it abundantly obvious that this was NOT a beginners class. I was expecting poses like let's say The Cat Pose, that any reasonable person, even one with limited mobility could probably hold for 3 minutes, while trying not to think about the To Do List waiting at home.

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Instead, we get The Eagle Pose.

But let's make it more fun, with only a slight added degree of difficulty, just for the Romanian judge. Let's see, while you're balancing on one foot, with the other leg wrapped around it, reach behind you with both hands and grasp them between your shoulder blades, shall we?

OK, now, I'm really in an altered state. I'm sure as hell, not thinking about my To Do List. Is this what Yoga is really all about? Drug free -- expanded consciousness? When are we going to do the Crawling to My Car Pose?

And, later as my left knee was up by my head and my right leg was in St. Louis, and I heard a loud series of thuds as one after another, like Yoga Dominoes, people fell over, peacefully of course. What's that called? You've Got to be Kidding Me Pose?

So, I know that my sophomoric attempt at sarcasm is my way of dealing with a new and challenging situation. Ok, I get that, I've done some therapy, ok? But, come on, this is funny.

Here are some other Yoga Poses that I'm working on

I'm Going to Pee My Pants Pose

I Need an Advil Pose

I Should Try That with My Husband Pose

Call 911 Pose

Don't Wake Me Up Pose

Seriously, the class ended with the lying down and closing your eyes pose, some people call it The Corpse Pose, which is a little creepy, but hey, I could hold that for a couple of hours. I'm going back to Yoga tonight, but this time, it will be an authentic beginner's class at the Y. And, more than likely, the instructor will not take their shirt off and resemble a Navy Seal, oh well, I 've got to remember I'm going for the stretching. Right!

Do you have any funny names for Yoga poses? I need more material to keep my friends amused. Please send them in to NurseBarb.com

By the way, all of these images come from Yoga Journal.com