THE BLOG
12/18/2014 04:52 pm ET Updated Feb 16, 2015

U.S. Needs to Claim Justin Bieber (Before Putin Does)

Justin Bieber and I have much in common. Besides age, wealth, status, success and possibly gender, our only other differences are that he sings horrific music, has stupider tattoos, and doesn't have United States citizenship.

This is the partially true story proving why that must change.

Mr. Bieber, a Canadian citizen, likely entered the United States as a business visitor to perform for Usher. Usher loved Mr. Bieber, signed him, and they produced three number one albums by the time Mr. Bieber turned 18 years old. Mr. Bieber now has 12 times as many Twitter followers as the pope, or what he calls "Beliebers," and an estimated net worth of $200 million.

Mr. Bieber obtained an O-1 nonimmigrant visa in order to temporarily remain in the United States. To qualify for an O-1 visa he just had to demonstrate distinction: a degree of skill and recognition substantially above that ordinarily encountered. Lucky for him, Randy Jackson was his adjudicator.

I pitied Mr. Bieber as he matured into a young man. We shared a desire for fame and girls, but his art caught fire and mine didn't, and he became surrounded by unhealthy means and influence. Mr. Bieber succumbed just as I succumb to the office candy bowl because it is there and free and crushes my otherwise superhuman willpower. That has led to my inability to drop below eight percent body fat and for him, international incidents:

  • Netherlands: After visiting the Anne Frank House he wrote in the guest book, "Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber." Who wouldn't be?
  • United States: Mr. Bieber egged his neighbor's house and caused approximately 20 thousand worth of damage. Surely he cleaned the mess and offered his neighbor omelets with maple syrup.
  • Germany: Mr. Bieber tried bringing his pet capuchin into the country without required paperwork in what became known as "monkey gate." He was just working with National Institutes of Health on a new study to see how a diet consisting of strictly maple syrup affects sex drive in monkeys.

I hope to change the minds of the nearly 300,000 non-beliebers who wish to deport Mr. Bieber. I want them to see how the young man has what we most hope for ourselves and our children: a fuck ton of Twitter followers.

The United States has a painful history of granting citizenship to despicable people because they possess special knowledge or talent. Did the United States government fear that former Nazi spies would help the Soviet Union if we didn't sweep them up first? I fear that Mr. Bieber will take his talents directly to Mr. Putin if we don't act similarly.

I can already see how Mr. Putin would weaponize him: Mr. Putin forces Mr. Bieber to sing his biggest hit in Russian; plays "Child" on repeat; achieves a 100 percent approval rating; and inspires his countrymen to take over his neighbor, Alaska.

Baby, baby, baby oooh
Like baby, baby, baby nooo
Like baby, baby, baby oooh

Mr. Bieber and I differ in one more way: our propensities for risk. America can't risk losing Mr. Bieber so as his 21st birthday present I am petitioning for President Obama to grant Justin Bieber United States citizenship, under one condition: he stops getting stupid tattoos.