08/17/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Do We Really Want To Know Dick Cheney's Secrets?

According to several news sources, Attorney General Eric Holder is considering whether to appoint a special prosecutor to conduct a criminal investigation of interrogation techniques used during the Bush administration. In other words, Cheney-gate. Or "Saw VII." Sure, the American people need to know what Cheney did and what he's still hiding. But the bigger question is, do we really WANT to know? I, for one, am scared as hell to find out the truth. What if we open Pandora's Box and find the dismembered remains of Pandora?

Here's why we may not want to know. Maybe, just maybe, it's not only torture secrets Cheney has concealed under his freshly skinned fur cloak. Maybe there are other things. Things as innocent as a secret candy stash or as horrifying as a laser mountain destroyer which also kills puppies. If we learn the truth now, it's like finding out after you've left the restaurant that the waiter spit in your food. What good does it do?

Also, why do we need a special prosecutor to determine that Cheney has been a nefarious threat? It's the worst game of "Clue" ever. Who killed the Constitution? It was Vice President Cheney with the lead pipe in the White House. There. The American people just saved millions of dollars in investigation and court costs.

I'll give Cheney this. He's a master of deception. At the White House, they're still finding Easter eggs he sadistically hid from President Bush. Yes, he's damn good. But, then again, the lawmakers he "allegedly" was deceiving weren't exactly keeping their eye on the ball. I imagine the conversations in Washington during the Bush administration went something like this.
Senator: "How are you this morning, Mr. Vice President?"
Cheney: "Well, I'm not hiding anything, that's for sure."
Senator: "Okeedokee."

Let's hope Attorney General Holder considers what he's about to uncover, if anything, for our emotional well-being. Besides, how can Holder really expect to successfully interrogate the former Vice President? In addition to his deceptive, tactical moves, it's impossible to tell what Cheney's been up to, because he always has a look on his face like he knows the darkest secret in the world or like he just had a premature ejaculation. Whatever the case, for all that is holy, don't tell us.

Yes, Americans need closure on this issue, but we also need to be able to sleep at night. So, here's a solution. We cut a plea deal with Cheney where he goes to prison for only one or two years, and, in exchange, he doesn't tell us the sick details. Then, our government can spend the time and money formally investigating the "techniques" used in the sex scandal at the "C Street House," a Washington row house owned by a religious group where powerful, Christian politicians have been playing Hanky-Panky for Jesus. Now, those are secrets we REALLY want to know.