08/09/2007 03:06 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Lose This

I stopped watching Lost when it became apparent that the writers weren't ever going to resolve anything, ever, and that I would die a lonely bitter old man before I got the answers to basic story-related questions like "How did that thing get there, and what is it?" Now I read, in the admittedly rumor-happy world of the Interweb, that the show's producers are "considering Veronica Mars star Kristen Bell for the new role of Charlotte, a hot 20-something who is said to be 'precocious, loquacious and funny.'" Shaking my head vigorously to clear the torpor induced when somebody uses the words "precocious" and "loquacious" in proximity, I find myself asking the following questions:

1) Um, what? I mean, the show's still set on an island, right? An island from which people are mysteriously unable to escape? And yet one upon which willowy young blonde girls can suddenly appear, out of nowhere?

2) And loquaciously yet?

Finally, 3) Would I be out of line if I devised a mathematical formula to figure the cash value of the hours I wasted on Lost before I wised up, and billed the show's producers accordingly?