09/21/2012 01:38 am ET Updated Nov 20, 2012

Gimme Five Minutes, and I'll Give You Your Wedding

So, I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Actually, more like wedding planning soul searching. And maybe it's because I get these ridiculous emails and phone calls from my clients about the stupid crap "keeping them up at night", like... oh I don't know... "Will there be Grey Goose on the bar? Because Absolut makes people angry, and I definitely don't want my guests to be angry." or "We really need to hurry up and order the favors. I'm getting really stressed." Really? You are? Because of the stupid wedding favors? That's why you're stressed? C'mon bridey.

Look, I know that as a wedding planner that this idea goes completely against everything I SHOULD stand for, but as you all know I write a lot about perspective on BB, and after really thinking about some of the stuff you brideys internalize and obsess over, I got to thinking... What if I, Bitchless Bride, initiated a new kind of wedding? Actually, more like a new kind of engagement? What if I coached newly-engaged couples on how to speed race through their engagement without giving up the dream? I'm not talking about eloping (although I did it, and once my mom forgave me, life was good again). I'm talking about dropping all of the bullshit, making super fast decisions and just freaking getting married? Really. Then it truly becomes about the two of you, and not the craziness. I mean, who needs Martha Stewart when you have me?

Brideys, think of all the crap you'd be avoiding by speeding up your engagement... Obsessing over the details, dueling bridesmaids, dieting, MOBs, MOGs, seeing a shrink... The list goes on and on. And by shortening your engagement and the planning process, then your wedding doesn't become your life. Seriously... What IF it really was about you marrying the one you love? What IF there was no right time? What IF you could avoid the family skeletons? What IF you got married a month or two after the engagement? I mean it. It CAN be done. It HAS been done (ahem... shotgun weddings... just sayin'). Well... this might be the easiest way to do so.

Think fast bridey! Because here comes my two-cent tour on how to make your wedding planning quick and not so dirty:

1. Don't ask everybody and their mother what they think about your wedding plans. Honestly, "don't ask, don't tell." In this case, it'll keep you sane.

2. Don't second-guess yourself. If you find "the wedding dress", then quit looking. If you love red velvet cake, then get red velvet cake EVEN if not everybody likes it. Screw them; it's your wedding.

3. Don't get band, get a DJ. The great bands book several months to years in advance. Meanwhile, there are some amazing DJs out there that have a much shorter booking span.

4. Don't have a sit down dinner, have a cocktail party. Ask the venue or caterer to choose their favorite or most popular passed hors d'oeuvres and stationary items, and skip a tasting. (You could even pass mini cupcakes instead of a traditional cake. Yes... even though I'm over the whole cupcake trend, when they're mini, they get a free pass.) A cocktail party also means you don't have to worry about escort cards, place cards, menu cards, etc....

5. Don't allow yourself to get stuck in the minutia of how crazy you're supposed to be. Educated decisions don't necessarily have to take a long time. The just have to be, um, educated.

I'm seriously thinking that perhaps I should change my business model... Something like this: "Call Bitchless Bride, and I'll give you your five minutes..."

What do you think?