12/19/2012 10:10 am ET Updated Feb 18, 2013

I Want Instagram to Use My Pics for Ads -- They're Great!

I just can't understand why people are all in a tizzy about this whole Instagram privacy thing. I mean, it doesn't anger or surprise me at all that Instagram would want to use my pictures in ads.

They're really fucking good pictures.

I mean, really good.

If you don't believe me, let me learn you something. Did you ever see that pic of me at a wedding in Tulsa wearing a sparkly cowboy hat and a business suit? It was awesome -- and exactly two other people agreed when they cared enough to hit the Like button on it. That sounds like an advertisement just itching to go viral!

And who can argue that the close-up picture of my girlfriend's hand stuffing a turkey this past Thanksgiving -- which I captioned "Sex?" -- isn't the sort of thing that all those Mad (Wo)Men in Midtown are dying to get their hands on to sell sell sell?

As you can see, my IG feed is just teeming with marketable original content -- and all I'm asking for is Instagram to capitalize on it! It's all great shit.

Like that screenshot of some scumbag from Maury that I took while on a JetBlue flight? Remember, it was that scumbag who was sleeping with his fiancee's entire family? Instagram could totally use that moment in time to get my friends to watch Maury a bit more often.

And what about that dead squirrel that I saw New Year's Day in Austin? It was literally the first thing I saw in 2012. I cropped, tilt-shifted and threw a filter on that sonuvabitch faster than I could be grossed out - and Instragram should be thanking me all the way to the bank. I clearly know what sells.

Who can forget that unfortunate period of 2011 when my girlfriend and I were vegan, and we documented us making Tofurky? I mean, clever photography, people. NOTE TO INSTAGRAM: SIGN TOFURKY AS A CLIENT AT THIS VERY MOMENT AND SELL THE SHIT OUT OF IT WITH THAT PICTURE. THE CONTENT IS THAT GOOD. ALSO, MY FRIENDS' CONSUMER DECISIONS ARE EASILY SWAYED.

You guys probably think I'm running out of material -- being that I've shown you so much amazing, consumer-friendly, relevant imagery. I know your minds are probably blown. But guess what? I'm just getting started. Lightning round!

That shot from my cousin's Alien Nativity in Portland? Marketable! That Instagram of a plastic cup of ice water with a lemon in it? Yes, please! That pic of the statue of five frogs who kind of look like they're doing it? Sell it to the masses! The pile of crumpled up newspapers in the corner of my old studio apartment? Dying industry, my ass! I'm telling you guys how to make money off of the print industry.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, my shots will be great advertisements for these very common interest areas I've outlined above (plus many more). And Instagram, since you gave me the tools necessary to take all these for free -- I'm going to pay you back. Do whatever you want with my pics. I don't expect a dime.

Except the one about angels existing. That got seven Likes, proving that some art still should be paid for.