Anxious, insecure people report "feeling much better about themselves" when they get a lot of "likes" on Facebook.
~ Recent study in the journal Personality and Individual Differences
I hereby officially invite you to "like" me. It's okay: I cleared this request with the FCC first.
Here's why you should. For starters, "liking" me is now free. True, it was free before. But now it's even freer. In fact, it's twice as free. And that's a 50% savings!
After all, I've posted photos of babies and puppies, even a few with newborns and toy Yorkies playing together. Cute, no?
Consider the other advantages of "liking" me. You'll lose all your extra weight overnight. You'll earn millions of dollars a day working from home in your spare time. And you'll have the best romantic relationships you ever imagined possible.
The catch? This is a one-time offer only. Or at least it will be until the second time it's offered. And that could be as soon as an hour from now. So act now. Pretty please.
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Yes, it's me again, once more officially inviting you to "like" me. Again, this is a one-time offer only - except technically this is now my second offer.
And once again this lifetime offer is available free. Only now I'm offering a discount. If you're under 100 years old, you'll get 15% off. And if you're older than 100 years of age, you get 100% off. Just imagine what you can do with all the money you'll save, even taking into account that "liking" me will be free in the first place.
After all, I've shared intimate updates about myself. About how I almost got married last year. About how my best friend, no doubt kidding around, swore never to speak to me again. And how one day for lunch I just got real and decided to have a grilled cheese sandwich.
Why else should you capitalize on this offer? You'll never get fat. You'll never get old, either. You'll be happy 24 hours a day, even well into your afterlife - though why you would need an afterlife if you never get old I have no idea.
But why take my word for it? After all, others have "liked" me. My former best friend, Al, for instance. And my favorite doorman, Carlos. And my own mother, of course, though I had to ask her more than once and also promise to visit more often.
So "like" me now. Or an hour from now. Or whenever it might actually be somewhat convenient. Am I asking for too much? Would it kill you to do that?
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Okay, taking my last shot here. Why else should you "like" me? I mean, I'm practically begging you. This must be the sorriest display of desperation you've seen since that time in high school when I asked the head cheerleader to go with me to the prom.
After all, I've "liked" you. A lot. Without ever asking for anything in return. And this is the thanks I get.
Besides, if you "like" me, it will make you feel good. Guaranteed. It will make the world a better place, even Staten Island. And I'll "like" you back, only harder. I'll "like" every comment about where you ate a bacon cheeseburger last night, every selfie of you with all your friends, every video of you playing with your two pugs. Pinky swear.
And if you sincerely "like" me - I mean like me like me, without any quotation marks around the word "like" - I may, just may, even start to like myself. Even enough to stop asking you. All you have to do to make my day - and, for that matter, give me a reason to live - is click now.
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Bob Brody has contributed humor to The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Smithsonian and McSweeney's, among other publications.