04/14/2006 09:10 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

This Just In -- Sperm Have Rights

November 4, 2005 (Associated Press) Sperm have Rights. Christian leaders of the Coalition to Protect the Unborn declared today that not only do fetuses have rights, but so do spermatozoa. "Sperm are potential human beings," announced Bishop Roderick Prudehomme. "They must be saved."

November 9, 2005 (CBN) Jesus Blessed Sperm. TV evangelist Pat Robertson professed that when Jesus blessed "the little ones," he included sperm. "Think of male gametes as billions of potential Christians," said Robertson adding, "Every sperm is sacred."

November 21, 2005 (Reuters) Congressman Vows Sperm Protection. Congressman Sonny "Bubba" Bumpers (R-KS) today launched a political movement to protect sperm. "All true Americans know, that we have the finest sperm in the world," Bumpers declared. "It's criminal that much of our sperm is wasted. I will lead a Christian movement to ensure that the rights of sperm are not trampled by the liberal, cultural elite."

November 29, 2005 (Fox News) O'Reilly Challenges GOP on Sperm. Commentator Bill O'Reilly observed that if Republicans were really the Party of moral values they would champion the rights of sperm.

December 1, 2005 (Limbaugh Radio Network) Democrats Hate Sperm. Rush Limbaugh said that the Democrats' cavalier attitude about sperm revealed that they are "the Party of Death." "Bill Clinton didn't care about the millions of sperm on Monica's dress," Limbaugh noted.

December 15, 2005 (Washington Post) Rove Links 9/11, Sperm. Speaking to the American Heritage Foundation, Presidential adviser Karl Rove unveiled a new GOP theme. "Democrats can't protect sperm, how can they protect America?" Rove noted. "They're soft on terrorism, and soft on sperm."

January 9, 2006 (Associated Press) GOP Leaders Meet on Sperm. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) and House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) conferred with the Coalition to Protect the Unborn. "We expect to fast track legislation to protect the rights of Sperm," Frist stated. "The Republican Party will leave no sperm behind," Hastert added.

January 16, 2006 (Reuters) 2008 Dem Candidates Weigh-in on Sperm. Appearing before the Democratic National Committee, candidates for the 2008 presidential nomination voiced their position on Sperm Rights. "The death of every sperm is a tragedy for all concerned," said Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY). "My position on sperm is well established, as anyone who has read my Senate record can attest," stated Senator John Kerry (D-MA). "Sperm motility is affected by global climate change," noted former VP Al Gore.

January 25, 2006 (Associated Press) Kill a Sperm, Go to Jail. Congressman Sonny "Bubba" Bumpers (R-KS) announced that when the House reconvenes, he will introduce legislation to make it a Federal crime to kill a spermatozoa, or cause another to do so over the Internet. "It's time America wakes up to sperm abuse," Bumpers declared.

January 30, 2006 ((CBN) Robertson Announces Million-Sperm March. TV evangelist Pat Robertson promised to lead millions of Conservative Christians on a march on Washington, D.C. "We'll surround the Capitol and stay there until Congress enacts legislation to save sperm."

February 6, 2006 (NY Times) Bush Pro-Sperm. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan noted that George W. Bush has always supported sperm rights. He called attention to Bush's State-of-the-Union address, "Human life is a gift from our Creator -- and that gift should never be discarded."

February 13, 2006 (Fox News) O'Reilly has Sperm Bank. Bill O'Reilly revealed that he saves his sperm in a specially designed repository.

February 20, 2005 (Limbaugh Radio Network) Limbaugh claims Largest Sperm Bank. Boasting of the largest sperm bank in the nation, Rush Limbaugh noted he has been saving sperm for twenty years, making a donation after each of his shows.

February 22, 2006 (NY Times) White House has Sperm Bank. Responding to a question from veteran reporter Helen Thomas, Press Secretary Scott McClellan revealed that the President tasked Dick Cheney to establish a White House sperm bank at an undisclosed location.

February 26, 2006 (Associate Press) Cheney Injures GOP Donor. Administration sources revealed that Dick Cheney inadvertently injured a major GOP contributor in an accident at a secret White House "command center." According to an informed source, Cheney "misfired while making a deposit."

March 1, 2006 (Washington Post) Insiders Make Millions from White House Sperm Bank. Post reporter Bob Woodward gave a Federal Grand Jury information he had received about abuses at the White House sperm bank.

March 8, 2006 (NY Times)Federal Prosecutor to Hand Down Sperm Bank Indictments. Anonymous sources told the Times that the White House expects that a Federal Prosecutor will indict top Administration officials for alleged abuses in the White House sperm bank program.

March 15, 2006 (Reuters) Lobbyist Sold Sperm Bank Accounts. Influential lobbyist Jack Abramoff accepted a plea-bargain today in return for his testimony against unnamed White House officials in the rapidly developing Sperm Bank scandal. According to informed sources, Abramoff arranged for wealthy Republicans to have private accounts at the White House sperm bank.

March 22, 2006 (Associated Press) Novak Fingers Rove in Sperm Scandal. Robert Novak alleged that Presidential advisor Karl Rove is the architect of the White House sperm bank fundraising gambit.

April 4, 2006 (Washington Post) DeLay Resigns. Congressman Tom DeLay (R-TX) announced that he will step down before the end of his term.

April 7, 2006 (NY Times) DeLay Sperm Disappear. An anonymous White House source confirmed rumors that fallen Republican leader, Tom DeLay, has had his White House sperm bank account closed.

April 10, 2006 (Associated Press) Congressman Demands Sperm Investigation. Congressman Sonny "Bubba" Bumpers (R-KS) expressed outrage at the report that Tom DeLay's sperm account has been scrubbed. "The White House is not above the law," Bumpers stated. "I demand a bipartisan investigation. America can do better."

April 13, 2006 (Reuters) Bush Has Authority to Dispose of Sperm. Queried as to whether the President ordered the termination of Tom Delay's account at the White House sperm bank, Press Secretary Scott McClellan noted Bush's policy not to comment on an ongoing criminal investigation. Pushed by Helen Thomas, McClellan asserted, "It is well within the scope of the President's authority to dispose of sperm as he sees fit. We're at war and the commander-in-chief determines who has rights and who doesn't."