08/16/2005 09:10 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

An Open E-mail to Karen Hughes

Hi Karen: Attached is a link to an hilarious video from Ebaum's World in which a local weatherman gets killed by a truck during an ice storm. The look on his face is priceless. He totally gets own3d! ROTFL!

I saw the news over the weekend about the president's low approval ratings; the bad news about the Iraq War (Frank Rich's column in the Times? Ouch!); the rising gas prices; that crazy woman on Bush's lawn; and Liberal-Media-Smearing-Karl-Rove-Gate (you can use that). So I sat down with my team and we came up with some suggestions to turn things around for your boss.

-New hand gesture. The open-handed-almost-podium-smack is so 2004. Your people want a bold, man-of-the-people president, so just go with what works and let that middle finger be free. Everywhere. Photo op with Tony? Flip the bird! Signing a new bill? Flip that bill off! Spot an armadilla' on the estate? Flip! Flip! FLIP! Screw those armadilla's anyway -- Bush is a man of the people!

-Invade something. America loves invasion.

-Enemies of the president should be labeled "Gay Islamic Embryonic Stem Cell Harvesters Who Hate the Troops and Who Love the Terrorists" (you can swap "love" for "embolden" which tests strongly). Try it in a sentence: "Green Day is a gay Islamic embryonic stem cell harvester who hates the troops and who loves (emboldens) the terrorists." Stand back and feel the love.

-The America Supports You Penguin March. (Have you seen that movie yet? They walk funny.)

-Huge Yellow Ribbon Magnet + The Moon = 65% (at least)

-Send a dozen eggs to Drudge. The next day, watch for the banner headline (with siren light gif): "CINDY SHEEHAN CAUGHT IN BESTIAL INCIDENT WITH WORLD"S UGLIEST DOG". Drudge loves eggs.

-Hire the Swift Boat guys to launch an ad campaign against NARAL. Accuse NARAL of attempting to abort the World"s Ugliest Dog. Always remember the magic formula: your people are more successful liars than our people.

-During the president's weekly radio address he opened with "good morning". Come on! You don't break through the 42% approval ceiling with "good morning". Next time, try: "I got bees on my head, but don't call me a bee head."

I don't want credit for these suggestions, but when you organize that penguin march, can I watch? They walk funny. Good luck, Karen.