To the Next Press Secretary:
If you're reading this, I've officially resigned from the White House Press Office -- Guckertland -- and you've been appointed to take over by The Great & Powerful Decider Who Hears Voices. Knowing that you're walking into a propeller, I thought I'd be a pip and help to ease your pain with some advice.
1) Helen Thomas. She appears shorter on TV, but she's actually a 12-foot-tall colossus with triceps of steel. She will crush your junk between her forefinger and thumb if you don't call on her at least three times a week. Trust me and my urologist on this one.
2) Remember these words: "I'm not going to comment on an on-going investigation." Someone asks you about Scooter's indictment? I'm not going to comment on an on-going investigation. Someone asks about Tom DeLay? I'm not going to comment on an on-going investigation. If someone finds out about The Decider's Vicodin habit and asks you about it? I'm not going to comment on an on-going investigation. If someone tells you that a bee just flew up your pants, you respond: I'm not going to comment on an on-going investigation.
3) Les Kinsolving is only faking. He's actually quite lucid.
4) If David Gregory goes all bitchypants on you, cry. Don't sob or wail -- and definitely no hyperventilating. Subtlety is the key. A red face and a little extra wetness in the eyes is just enough to get Rush to defend you for at least 10 days. If you have trouble crying on cue, just think about something tragic. I like to imagine there's no donuts.
5) Outrage of the day. Brainstorm an outraged reaction each morning over donuts -- or whatever it is you eat for second breakfast. Then repeat that outraged reaction all day. Here's a few good ones to get you started:
-"I'm insulted you would even suggest that!"
-"You owe the president an apology!"
-"The media [not the ones on payroll] are whores!"
-"I can't believe you crushed my junk again, Helen!"
-"I hate you and I hate your ass face!"
6) You might be the first White House press secretary with a full head of hair. Use it to charm the ladies. If you go to Candy Crowley, run your right hand through your hair and in the same smooth motion point to Candy and say, "Hi there!" It'll make her orgasm. If you happen to be a woman, same rule applies.
7) And finally, do NOT make direct eye contact with the VPOTUS. It makes him uneasy. I had an intern who had one of those lazy googly eyes. True story... VPOTUS popped in to perform his hilarious "VPOTUS Kills Some Puppies With A Brick" routine for us last July and this intern couldn't help but to stare at him with her googly eye. Long story short, remember when that limbless torso washed up at Bethany Beach last September? You've been warned.
That's all I can think of. So long, sucker!
Yours in Christ,