02/17/2006 07:02 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

The Global War on Ladders

[In my previous article, I added a post script about the statistical odds of a terrorist attack. But I thought I'd bump it up to an entry of its own.]

This week, senate Republicans eased off their oath-free investigation of the Bush administration's illegal NSA wiretap program. They chickened out for three reasons: 1) they fear Karl Rove, 2) they fear the terrorists, and 3) they fear being labeled soft on national security. There's a fourth reason but, inexplicably, it has to do with Senator Pat Roberts (R-KS) and a bottle of "memory pills". Patrick Henry would throw up in his mouth if he knew our civil liberties hinged on an old asshole's pre-dementia elixir.

The Republicans in Congress are a'scared. As are the cult followers of Bush/Cheney who will do anything they're told because they, too, are a'scared. If they don't support their president, no matter how incompetent, we're all going to die. DIE!

Remember when Mom used to tell you that if you made a funny face it'd stick that way? After a while, logic and maturity crept in and made you feel a little silly for believing it, didn't it? For the Bush Cult, that evolution hasn't happened yet. President Bush could suggest that eggs were God's hand-grenades and 39-percent of the nation would worship eggs. After all, not believing it would somehow weaken the president and thus leaving us exposed to an attack.

So back to that. The attack. You know what's more of threat to you than terrorists? Ladders. According to Foreign Policy magazine, your odds of dying in a terrorist attack on American soil are 1 in 88,000. According to the same study, you're more likely to die from a fall off a ladder than you are from a terrorist attack. Your odds that a ladder might kill you? 1 in 10,010.

Time to declare a global war on ladders. Or the ladders win.

You know what else is more likely to kill you? Lightning. Damn that fucking lightning for hating America! Again, your odds of dying at the hands of a terrorist: 1 in 88,000. Lightning: 1 in 83,930 according to Live Science.

The odds of you being killed by simply falling down? 1 in 246. Line up 246 people. Run around shoving them over, and it's likely one of them will land on their brain and die.

The odds you will someday attack and kill yourself -- with or without a shoe bomb? 1 in 121. If you can figure out a way to eavesdrop on yourself and you might just escape an attack... by you.

There's a 1 in 7 chance you will die of cancer. Imagine if all the money spent on the war on terror was, instead, spent on curing the second biggest threat to your life. Just the billions of dollars LOST in Iraq could be enough to find a cure.

Ultimately, if the statistics show that a terrorist is unlikely to kill you, the only other reasons for the war on terror are vengeance and political convenience. I like vengeance. Killing or capturing Bin Laden would've been so sweet. War for political convenience -- not so sweet.

I'm not suggesting we shouldn't make a bold effort to prevent terrorism, but we should do so with our dignity, liberties, and priorities intact -- even though it's unpatriotic to suggest such things in an era when being a coward at the behest of the government is synonymous with being patriotic.

Now have a good weekend and stay away from those America-hating ladders.