Healthcare Reform: The Werewolf Option

The battle over the healthcare overhaul has got America so hysterical, we're hearing reports that Ashley Todd just scratched a backwards H into her own face. We have congressmen heckling the president, and millions of others are so paranoid they claim to know what the hell Glenn Beck is talking about. Things have gotten so emotional, the only way to get a reasoned, non-hysterical view on the matter is to go ask someone who doesn't even need our healthcare system.

No, we're not talking about Canadians. We're talking about werewolves.

There is only a small percentage of the population that doesn't really need the healthcare system to improve. You have the extremely wealthy (Glenn Beck, Hannity, Craig T Nelson) who can afford the best care that they desire, and you have werewolves, who have no need for medicine or hospitalization due to their extremely enhanced healing capabilities.

In researching "The Werewolf's Guide To Life - A Manual For The Newly Bitten" we interviewed hundreds of lycanthropes to gain some first-hand insight into the American werewolf experience. While they all agreed that there is very little to be desired about the werewolf lifestyle, the one bright side they clung to was their independence from the American healthcare system.

The naturally occurring transformation process of the werewolf is like the healing process put on fast-forward. Cells are broken down and regenerated at a rapid rate. So wounds heal quickly, and disease rarely has the opportunity to take hold in a werewolf's tissue before the structure is broken down and rebuilt once again.

We spoke to many werewolves who had been turned recently enough that they had vivid memories of trying to obtain medical care. These werewolves shuddered at the memory of having to suffer through the endless bureaucracy, the befuddling billing practices, the string of approvals needed for the simplest procedure. For some werewolves who had been seriously ill before contracting lycanthropy, becoming a werewolf was nothing less than a mixed blessing. Many werewolves even went so far as to say that given the chance to reverse their lycanthropy, they would need to research the current health coverage for which they qualified before going back to their old, pre-werewolf lives.

These are people who three times a month turn into massive, flesh-hungry predators who would kill their own families for the chance to feed. They are forced to live in secrecy. They are limited in where they can work, where they can live. They are in constant danger of being killed by werewolf hunters or abducted by the government for military experimentation. And yet, if they had the chance to shed their werewolf biology, knowing the present state of our healthcare system, they'd need to think about it.

You'll be hard-pressed to find a more persuasive argument for the Public Option. Werewolves know that the Public Option is already coursing through their veins, and they don't want to go back to worrying over which doctor is covered by the Blue Cross EPO. Until the Public Option is made available, these Americans are electing for The Werewolf Option. Here's hoping Congress can push through something a little better than that.