THE BLOG
09/21/2010 02:53 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Who Needs Ambien When You Have WWE Smackdown?

My wife and I just moved to the bustling metropolis that is downtown Glens Falls. I hate it. She loves it. But since she has a real job and family around here, I have to deal with it.

"Dealing with it" was easier when I had cable and Monday Night Raw. But in our new apartment, we decided to watch everything online and save the money. This is a great idea for everyone... except sports fans.

Why? Guess what you can't watch online?

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your thoughts on the show, Smackdown! is on Hulu.

Now, most wrestling columns blow. They're too "inside baseball". I don't care about the behind the scenes aspect of the wrestling business, and a lot of columnists still think it's 1998 and the ratings matter.

They don't.

So, this column is going to be a lot different from the other stuff out there. I'm simply going to watch an episode of Smackdown! and mock it. It's simple and fun, which is the entire point of watching wrestling in the first place.

So...

Notes from the September 10th edition of Friday Night Smackdown!

(This is the first episode I've watched in years, so if I seem out of touch, I am.)

  • Kane's promo: WWE How can you advertise yourself as kid-friendly when you have two guys fighting over satanic powers?

  • Opening Segment: I feel like between every sentence The Undertaker is thinking, "How many more years do I have before I collect Social Security?"

  • The Undertaker & C.M. Punk segment: Kane, by "unleashing the gates of hell" The Undertaker means, "I'm going to walk around very slowly and pretend to punch you." I like CM Punk, but that opening segment with The Undertaker was enough to make me think I popped an Ambien.

  • Jack Swagger vs. M.V.P.: Jack Swagger, as awesome as Rage Against The Machine is, using their music doesn't make you a badass. M.V.P. reminds me of Superman's pal, Jimmy Olsen. Yeah, he's there, but who gives a fuck?

  • Lay Cool & Kaval Segment: I really liked that Lay-Cool & Kaval segment. And I'm not even being ironic...

  • Kaval vs. Drew Mcintyre: If you're surprised Kaval lost his match, I'm going to find where you live and punch you in the face.

  • NXT Promo: NXT Season 3 is all about divas? Great. That's something else my wife won't let me watch.

  • Matt Hardy vs. Alberto Del Rio: I miss the Matt Hardy facts they used to have, but I guess "Matt Hardy loses every match he's in" does him no favors. I really like Del Rio. As someone pointed out to me on Twitter, he's like a Mexican version of the JBL character. And you know what? That makes him awesome in my book.
  • Tag Match featuring a bunch of guys I don't care about: So, Chris Masters, who was a bad guy before he got fired for doing drugs, is now a good guy? "Cocaine is a hell of a drug."
  • Big Show segment: Anything the Big Show does is gold.
  • WWE "Don't Do This At Home" Commercial: Whenever Rey Mysterio talks, I giggle. He sounds exactly what I think a leprechaun would sound like after a bender in Mexico.
  • CM Punk vs. The Undertaker: I didn't realize The Undertaker had a submission hold. People usually just tap out to avoid watching his matches.

As always, I mock because I love. I'll see you next week for another Smackdown! recap.