Moms have it rough. They have to put up with a lot of intolerable things, like stinky diapers, baby butt cream, toe fuzz, yelling while they are on the phone, whining and The Disney Channel. They also have to deal with husbands who say things like, "OH MY GOD, THAT 3RD BASEMAN IS TERRIBLE! HE'S TOTALLY RUINING MY FANTASY TEAM!" They do it with minimal appreciation and "thank yous" -- and yet, after they drive off to run one of the many essential errands that moms always seem to be running, they still, for some reason unknown to the rest of us, come back home to the madness.
It's a downright miracle.
If we want them to keep coming back, I think it's important that we dads get our kids to show their appreciation. So I've created a list of 20 things that every mother wants to hear her kids say. I know if my kids repeated even three of these things, my wife would probably have a heart attack.
The 20 Things Every Mom Wants to Hear Her Kids Say
1. "I'm happy to eat whatever you've made me for dinner, even if it's broccoli. I know how hard you work to keep me fed and I appreciate it."
2. "Instead of screaming I've decided to sit quietly and think about all the amazing things you do for me. Wow, this is going to take awhile."
3. "When we go to the zoo I won't run off on my own and, instead, will follow your instructions to 'stay close.' I will also follow your instructions to 'not pick my nose and try to feed it to the elephants.'"
4. "I'll keep my shoes on in the car instead of kicking them off for no reason, causing us to spend 20 minutes hunting for one shoe that somehow is now lost under a mountain of travel Magna Doodles."
5. "Look! I didn't make a mess at the dinner table and kept all my crumbs on my plate! I never realized it was that easy!"
6. "I promise that when I sneeze I will, from now on, always cover my nose. I'm also sorry about yesterday, when I forgot to cover my nose and I sneezed in your face."
7. "No need to worry. Your iPhone is sitting right on the coffee table where you left it. I didn't touch it, nor did I kill your battery by walking around the house taking pictures of everyone's feet."
8. "I'm headed to the bathroom. No need to ask me or beg me or bribe me. I'm going because I know we have a long trip ahead of us and it just makes sense to try."
9. "I will wear the clothes you picked out for me and won't complain. In fact, I should thank you more often for not letting me wear shorts and a tank top when it's -5 degrees outside."
10. "I just realized it must be painful when I step on your feet as if they were part of the floor. I'm not going to do that anymore and, after careful consideration, will now look where I am walking."
11. "Would you mind if I skipped all the stalling that I normally do and go straight to bed? I know you've had a long day and could use a little down time and, perhaps, a glass of Merlot."
12. "Yes, I remembered to flush after I dropped a number two. I promise there will be no bathroom surprises waiting for you."
13. "Mom, you kick back and relax. I'll pick up all these toys that I've haphazardly left laying around the house. I'll even put them where they belong instead of shoving them under the couch."
14. "Because I've seen this episode of Dora more than 40 times, I'd like you to take the remote and watch something you'd like to watch. Perhaps Sophia Grace and Rosie are on Ellen, which would be a win/win for both of us."
15. "Look at that: I already brushed my teeth!"
16. "While you were doing the dishes, I took it upon myself to fold my own laundry and put them away in the correct drawers. I put yours away too."
17. "I know I usually smush the Play Doh into the carpet, making it impossible for you to remove, but this time I was able to keep it all on the table."
18. "I got myself dressed, combed my own hair and even had time to balance your checkbook. Good news: I found a clerical error in your favor and you're now $20 richer."
19. "I've decided to retire the Interrupting Cow knock knock joke. I agree that it's run its course."
20. "Mom, you are the best and should be treated like the best. I love you more than anything in the world -- even more than ice cream -- and I will work harder to tell you that more often."