10/01/2012 11:09 am ET Updated Dec 01, 2012

The New Doctor in Town

Hey, did you hear about the new doctor in town?

Sources tell me that he trained in one of the most rigorous and esteemed medical programs in the country. After finishing his postgraduate work with multiple awards and commendations for his ability to keep every one of his patients alive and healthy, he has graciously decided to forego his long-awaited appointment as the head of the National Institute of Health and settle into our unassuming, ultrawealthy community to start his Center for Health Excellence.

I got wind that this multi-million dollar establishment has three fully-accessorized gyms staffed exclusively by a dozen former Olympians (only silver and gold medalists need apply), six yoga centers fitted with 12 diamond-encrusted life-sized Buddha statues, three kitchens managed by six nutritionists managed by three Top Chef winners, a half dozen Turkish baths and one patient exam room.

Although it may be a little tricky to schedule an appointment, it is well worth the wait. To get an initial meet-and-greet exam with the nurse, one must have all standard vaccines previously administered. To see the physician's assistant, one must bring documentation stating that all required tests (colonoscopies, mammograms, pap smears and full-body MRIs) are not only completed but are also entirely negative. For only a small fortune, you can get all of these mandatory tests done right at the center prior to your first visit.

Talk about service!

The doctor will graciously see any one, at any time, but obviously within reason. His busy schedule unfortunately does not allow him to see those with a fever, cough, chest pain or in death throes, and he can really only see patients aged 24-32 without a previous medical history.

Did I mention that the waiting room has an 80-inch plasma screen TV with around-the-clock Netflix?!

Have an urgent medical issue? No problem. According to the glossy brochure that my help picked up from the mailbox, there are several hospitals in a five-mile radius that the good doctor at CHE recommends to go to without first needing to contact his clinic. Although this hospitalization automatically makes one ineligible to schedule further appointments with the doctor, setting up shop so close to these medical facilities really says something about his "patient-first" approach to medicine.

Due to the chaotic state of our country's health care system, the doctor regrettably does not take insurance, checks, credit cards, or cash as sources of payment. As of right now he will only accept U.S. Mint-certified gold bars. But insiders tell me that with a little cajoling with the front desk, rubies and other precious gemstones may be used as down payment.

So what are you waiting for? The doctor's schedule is already booked for the next 42 months, so I'd make an appointment sooner than later.

Oh, and if you do decide to make the call, remember to get your colonoscopy done first.