04/09/2014 03:03 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

10 Steps to Sipping Wine Like a Wanker

2014-04-08-1939828_10152363782118646_1018470129_n.jpg First off, what is a wanker? Less vulgarly interpreted, he's a jerk-off, douchebag, or other genitalia oriented term used to connote a pretentious prick. A wine wanker is a pretentious sipper who (inadvertently in my opinion) makes others feel inferior with their perfection and obsession with wine.

Terms like "snob" and "pretentious" have unfortunately all too often been associated with the art of wine tasting and it's becoming quite popular for wine bars to use fun atmospheres and mason jars as a low-key unpretentious environment to drink wine.

While this can get a better flow of customers, it degrades the way we taste wine, and the flow of oxygen in my glass. This along with the overly negative connotation associated with tasting has caused savvy sippers try to avoid looking like snobs, but I personally own it, embrace it and apologize later... actually I don't.

I'm going against the grain a bit and thought I'd give a proper introduction on how to look like a wanker whilst sipping wine. This article on how not to be a wine snob is more or less accurate, but am in complete disagreement. Wine is meant to be enjoyed, not hidden, and here are a few slightly tricky steps to sipping wine like a true expert.

There are no rules, but if you want to look the part, you've got to know the basics. So the next time you're at Hotel Biron, do the following and be prepared to dodge flying objects.

1. Swirl the wine around in your glass and try not to spill it all over the place like a twat.

2. Jam your entire nose in the glass. Sniff. Ladies, please mind the mistake of repeating after your lipstick has rubbed off on the rim, leaving a thin red mustache on your face.

3. Press your index finger over each nostril. Sniff.

4. Thrust your stemware into thin air, dramatically in search of the perfect lighting with which to inspect the wine. This will ensure that you clearly know what you're doing.

5. Inspect the 3 C's. We're talking color, consistency, clarity.

6. Raise your glass to your lips, tip the glass and let the wine slide into your mouth. But do not, I repeat, do not, swallow. I know this might be hard from some of you.

7. Give the inside of your mouth a little wash with the wine and make sure it touches each part of your tongue to experience its full flavor profile.

8. Oxygenate the wine in your mouth by slightly parting your lips and sucking air in. Try not to choke on it. Taste again.

9. Turn to your friend and nod in approval with an awkward grin... because, you know, there's still wine in your mouth.

10. Now that you've properly indulged your palate, you may swallow.