01/28/2009 02:06 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

You May Not Laugh at Yourself, Sarah


I have to hand it to you: You gave a press conference.

Well, actually, you stood at a podium and said, "Hello, it's great to be with you. No, I'm not going to take any of your questions."

And then you said, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night."

You didn't even shout it. You just said it.

What great irony (lunacy, in fact) that, in response to Tina Fey's impersonation of you, you said to Lorne Michaels, "Y'know, I just don't think it's a realistic depiction of how my press conferences would have gone."

A "realistic depiction of how my press conferences would have gone"?

Such a depiction requires a thing to depict, Sarah. No such thing exists, here. Nor will it ever. Because you are (miraculously) going to complete your campaign for the Vice President of the United States having never held a press conference. And yes, I know that statement was meant to be a joke. But you are not allowed to joke about that.

I found the performance to be silly and sad, Sarah. Self-deprecation is no virtue when that being deprecated is utterly pathetic and inherently dangerous. A drunk driver musing over his poor parallel parking skills is not charming and does not warrant smiles from pedestrians.

You owe the American voters so much more than Saturday Night Live, Sarah. Now is not the time to poke fun at yourself for being tragically, dangerously inept--not when millions of people are being massacred around the world. Now is not the time for you bask in a self-awareness of being impossibly unaware--not when the global financial market is collapsing and the Taliban is stronger than ever.

And now is not the time for Lorne Michaels to allow you on that stage to make a complete mockery of yourself, even if it single-handedly saved his sinking ship of a television program. Only impressive individuals should be allowed on that storied stage.

You, Sarah, are unimpressive.

On Saturday afternoon, if you had held one of your guns to my head and demanded that I offer you one compliment, I would have meekly responded, "Um, well... at least you believe you're qualified to be Vice President."

Ask me the same question at the SNL after-party and I would be a dead man.

Give a press conference.