"I'm not exactly a guy who makes new friends easily."
"Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends."
"Brothers don't necessarily have to say anything to each other -- they can sit in a room and be together and just be completely comfortable with each other."
"New friends are like new hemorrhoids, you didn't ask for the old ones either."
Dear Mr. DiCaprio,
I assembled these quotes to illustrate something you should understand before delving any further into this letter: I do not take the notion of friendship lightly. I prefer the deeper, fraternal connection you so eloquently described above, and that -- as we both know -- is a hard one to come by.
However, I couldn't help but notice the recent photos of you tooling around NYC on a Citi Bike and wearing an Auburn University hat without thinking that I had, in fact, discovered a long-lost brother. And so it is with the utmost sense of purpose, even duty, with which I reach out to you.
In the simplest of terms, I think you and I are exactly alike in practically every way. We both live in New York City. We both like Auburn (I went to school there and have been going to games at Jordan-Hare stadium since I was a toddler... you have a hat). We both enjoy biking. We both wear cargo shorts even though every single other person in the world thinks they're stupid. You were in Blood Diamond and I want one. We're both 38 when every other human is either 23 or 86.
Weird, right? The conclusion is inescapable. You are my missing piece (ref: The Missing Piece, Shel Silverstein, pgs. 1-all).
I'm sure you already agree that it is incumbent upon us to meet. To eschew such potential friendship would be tantamount to seeing the shirt you've always wanted in a store window and then burning that store to the ground just because you're Leonardo DiCaprio and people let you burn down stores for no reason.* Sure, there's some immediate gratification, but that lost shirt will haunt you for the rest of your days.
Think about it: a friend with shared values and sense of style who gets all your references ("Valerie's Family" just wasn't the same, was it?) who happens to live in the exact same city as you? Is there a God, because it sure seems like there is.
So, LdC (you can call me CrH), here is what I propose. Auburn's opening game of what is sure to be a season of rebirth (let's go, Gussy!) is this Saturday, August 31. We're both busy people and though we'd love to hop on a jet and fly down for the game, who has the time? (Aside from the Time Burglar, of course? Or the Clock Monster. I digress.)
I have a solution, however. I live in Harlem and own an 80" screen TV. Yes, they make TVs that size, LdC and yes, you can fit one in a New York City apartment.
Why don't you come over and watch the game with me and we'll make this inevitable friendship a reality, one plate of organic jalapeno poppers at a time?
I'll make homemade salsa, we'll have some "Gatsby" cocktails (it'll be our little "insider's" joke) and we'll root the Tigers on to victory. We'll be like old pals, mixing it up. I'll rib you about having never actually gone to Auburn. You'll laugh at me for not being in every single Martin Scorsese movie.
We'll make some Vines and then not upload them because they're just for us. We'll play the, "Is That Someone Opening Our Front Door Or The Neighbor's Front Door? Oh, It's The Neighbor's Front Door" game. You'll look through my photo album and pick my next three #ThrowbackThursdays. I'll tell you what movie to do next. It will be fun!
So just have your people call my people to set it up. And since I don't have people, you can have your people find me on Facebook.
I await our best-friendship/brotherhood with a glorious sense of anticipation. Moreover, I think the power of our finally meeting will propel Auburn to an undefeated season and a national title. The world will thank us... and it will be right to.
*Arson is never funny, LdC. I only use this as an example. I'm sure you knew that, but for legality's sake, I felt I should clarify my feelings on the topic.