09/13/2010 02:55 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

God Never Sends an Asteroid Without Opening a Window

Look, I'm not saying there's definitely an actual god, but when some giant invisible gunslinger out in space fires not one, but two, warning shots at your whole entire planet, you might want to stop and think things over.

What? Don't know what I'm referring to? Oh, don't worry, it's nothing. Just a couple of asteroids that came screaming past our planet at near miss distance, that's all. But it's cool, you keep teaching your kids how to build tiny mosques out of play-dough and then smash them. It's not like if the planet gets nailed by a gigantic flying metaphor it'll affect us.

Now, if you're a real American, you're asking yourself, "Why does that god I don't believe in hate us so much that he'd start throwing asteroids at us? Is he Muslim, too? Does he hate us because we're free and look good in Apple Bottom Jeans?" That's a good question, American reader. Luckily for you, I know the answer.

Think about it. What happened last week? Glenn Beck launched his new Huffington Post-inspired Web blight, The Blaze.

What happened this week? Kelsey Grammer finally made good on his promise to strike within the United States and launch an all-right-all-the-time television network.

And somewhere in between, all the bees went away.

You see a pattern, right? The shortest distance between two points leads straight to hell on a path that thinks it's going to heaven.

Like all good beings, real or imaginary, God hates diagrams and loves Cheers. Glenn Beck is always diagramming things, usually while wearing a Christmas sweater, which is the only thing God invented that he kind of feels bad about. And now, Kelsey Grammer is peeing on the memory of God's favorite show and that same pee is ricocheting right into God's eye.

So the real question is, why didn't we think he'd start throwing asteroids at us?

But it's not too late. Clearly, God wants to give us a chance; those were just warning life-killing boulders of rage and rock hurled near us at incredible speed. But the message is clear: either stop Glenn Beck and Kelsey Grammer, or suffer the consequences of a vengeful, imaginary man in the clouds who probably looks a lot like Jeff Bridges times a thousand.

I for one, am not willing to roll those dice.