Welcome to the Tea Dance, Tea Doggers

09/15/2010 02:12 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

I hope you're paying attention because this is the last time I will say a man is right.

Last night on MSNBC, Chris Matthews was right. Right as a man can be about anything, which from this day forward will be not at all and about nothing, but for now he's right as straight rainbows.

After the Republican senate primary in Delaware was called for Christine O'Donnell, Matthews pointed out that women may finally be ready to start voting their gender, not their issues.

And that man, for the very last time in history, was right.

Let me take a moment to explain the Tea Party's success to you men out there who don't get it. (I say men because if you don't get it, you're wrong, and if you're wrong, you're a man because men are no longer right about anything. Also, from now on I'm italicizing the words man, men, male, penis, etc. so that no one ever thinks I'm not rolling my eyes while typing those words.) To understand today's political climate, you have to look at the origin of the phrase "tea party."

Back in England, or wherever Americans evolved from, men used to drink tea in the afternoons after a long morning of having intercourse with poor people's sexy daughters and stealing the little bit of money they had hidden in their shoes. They called these afternoon siestas "Tea Dogging."

But English ladies also enjoyed tea, and they would imbibe in the privacy of their kitchens where they held mock elections for various roles, such as President of the Culinary Arts or Secretary of Having Babies. These quiet, tucked away afternoon meetings of lady folk paved the way for the kind of government we enjoy now, minus crumpets and Nick Hornby novels. They called them "Tea Dances," because they were festive and ended in awkward handshakes.

But everything good is stolen, just ask black people. Once the English men got wind of what the lady folk were doing, they banished them all to America and began their own crude version of "Tea Dances" which they renamed "Parliament." And as an homage to how they ripped off the gentler sex, they would celebrate the end of a long morning of Parliamenting (and intercourse with poor sexy daughters) with a "Tea Party."

Flash forward many years, and the English ladies were busy populating the new world. Their babies grew up to be men and the industrial revolution happened, quickly followed by 9/11.

And all the while, in American wash rooms, kitchens and nurseries of babies that died from TB, Tea Dances were reforming...quietly shaping American politics from underneath the system. To conceal their work, ladies began designating other ladies to cast votes for Speaker of Needlepoint for them in secret, and so the Electoral College was formed. So while men were busy banning and unbanning alcohol for the entire 20th century, American ladies were changing the face of government without a single man noticing.

By the 21st Century, ladies already had won a lot of elections in all levels of government, simply by convincing men that things would be cleaner if they allowed a few ladies into office. But when we ran Hillary for President, that was a highly strategic and planned-out bluff. A diversion to draw the men out. And it worked perfectly.

Inspired by seeing a lady lose a big election, men decided that hating ladies had been so successful that they might as well just go ahead and hate everything. So they formed the "Tea Party," never suspecting for one second that they were merely pawns on a lady chessboard.

And now, after Christine O'Donnell's decisive victory in Delaware, the veil is finally lifted. And American ladies will never put it back on. In 2010, we will install our first Tea Dance Senator and in 2012, our first Tea Dance President. And there is nothing that any of you can do about it.

In closing, let me explain one last thing to you men out there. Just because Christine O'Donnell is an insane clown posse of fundamentalism, puritanism, xenophobia and lowest common denominator dementia, it doesn't make her not a lady. Which means, I support her.

Unless, of course, she's wrong, which makes her a man. And if she's a man, well, then she's probably spent most of the last 30 years masturbating ferociously and denying it.

I'll let you know after the next Tea Dance meeting, due to take place in a half hour in my kitchen, where I have a chicken simmering at a slow and steady rate, and where I am about to nominate myself as Acting Secretary of Canning.