I said I would write this post about my husband's wonderful qualities, since in previous posts, I revealed the challenges we had as a couple developing our relationship to the best of our abilities. That's always so hard to remember when we're in the thick of it. Not only us, but the generations before us and the ones to come-we're all always doing the best we can, such as it is. And that deserves to be loved and to be shown compassion and understanding and acceptance. What stands in the way of those qualities of the Soul? Self-judgment and judging others without really knowing what's in their hearts and how challenging it may be for them to access their heart of hearts. So here I am, reinforcing for my own edification, my husband's wonderful and positive qualities.
Kenny would say, "Come out here and look at the moon, Carol. It's almost full." But what he meant was:
I can't wait for it to be full. Then I can't wait for it to be a sliver again. Then full again. I never tire of being awestruck in the presence of the moon, hanging bright over a cloudless sky. The wilderness pulls me all the time to its peace and serenity. I'm at home there. I feel the Earth and the creatures, and I innately understand them and me as one. I love my campsite in the mountains. I go there whenever I can. I challenge myself to not just survive in the pristine and rugged terrain, but to thrive in it. It's cold most nights, and I cover myself with as little as I can, while my simple little campfire warms me just enough. I love the pines and the boulders and the air as I breathe in God's gift.
And the clouds in the sky. What a magnificent show God and Mother Earth put on for us. Billowing, puffy white clouds, streaming cottony strings of clouds, thunder clouds. "I love the rain," he would say. And the wind. Stir up the air and Kenny was happy. Have I mentioned yet that he survived Hurricane Iniki on Kauai in 1992? Did I tell you the one about the car trip when he pulled us out of a giant squeeze between two semi's in our little Honda CRV? Unscathed! Except for the adrenalin coursing through our veins and seizing our nervous systems.
He loved horse races and stories about racing. I'd look over at him while we were watching and tears would be streaming down his face. What was that, I would ask. He'd have that sheepish grin, filled with innocence and wonder. "I love the race, the magnificence of the horse," he'd say. "I feel God's presence in the race, in being the best one can be, in outrunning my own personal best." He was an athlete in his youth, sprinting, hurdling, swimming, footballing and all the rest. He would make us laugh by isolating just about any muscle. He could wiggle one ear at a time -- that's how trained his body was. And that trained strength would serve him well in his last weeks of life. Soon I'll write another post about his phenomenal focus and determination during that eventful time.
Kenny loved to learn. What a voracious appetite for information, and putting that stuff to good use. He devoured books on just about anything that interested him, and he could recite any part of it -- to the amazement of those who cared to listen. Read my yard sale post and know all about what he loved.
Handsome isn't strong enough a word to describe the magnetism of his bright blue eyes. His forever smile had that turned-up-at-the-corners quality, so he always looked welcoming and warm. Made me fall in love with him despite his wiggling ears!
What about tenderness? Whenever we watched a meaningful scene in a movie or on TV, or listened to a meaningful song, he would make a point to hug me or hold my hand to show me he was touched and wanted to share his heart with me. Of course, I melted -- every time.
Well, enough said on the subject for now. It doesn't take much to get me to talk about him, to think about him, and to try to accept that he is gone from this physical world. It's the intimacy of a companion that I miss. Coming home to him or welcoming him home. Saying "I love you" and snuggling to share a good night's sleep. Waking and then meditating together. The closeness of being with each other day by day, planning for the future and telling each other about our dreams -- the ones we have at night and the ones we have when we're awake.
Mostly, there was an unspoken bond that held us to each other, even in the tough times -- when others would have let go. The commitment of one Soul to the other Soul, the marriage vows that specifically promised we'd go into the Heart of God together. Little did I know he would go so soon, but even now, I understand that he will be assisting me to reach up into the high realms where his radiant form resides to find my own Soul and experience it fully while I'm still here traversing this life on Earth. Love is eternal. Love is unconditional. Love is all there is.
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I invite you share your own views or ask questions, either in the comments field or by e-mail to carol.jones43@yahoo.com. I will do my best to respond to all. And may we all have a great New Year. Me, I'm going to focus on my fond memories and the sweetness I'm left with during these first months of my new life. Doing my best to treat myself with kindness and caring. May you do the same.