12/30/2013 04:46 pm ET Updated Mar 01, 2014

So Long 2013, Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Ass

It's almost New Year's Eve, and it's been a challenging year, to say the least. New Year's Eve is the night we are so hopeful, so full of not knowing what is going to kick our ass in the coming year.

NYC on New Year's is a nightmare. First off, there's the amateur drunks, LOTS OF THEM. It's like these people never drank alcohol before. So much vomit on the street the next day AND in such pretty colors. Add to the mix, the billion people who MUST SEE THE BALL DROP. Hey TOURISTS, it's a f*ckin' glass ball. I live in midtown Manhattan with a direct view of the ball drop.

When my husband was a small child, he and his mom would walk to the corner of 58th
street and seventh avenue at five minutes to midnight. They'd join the few other families
out there and bring in the New Year. Of course this was NYC in the seventies, where
people didn't leave their apartment after dark.

Now it's gotten so bad, they start closing off my street to traffic at 6 p.m.

My husband and I flee town faster than Miley Cyrus twerked with Robin Thicke.

AND oh yeah, we can handle our alcohol.

I always work NYE with one stipulation: I am offstage BEFORE midnight. Nothing is worse then counting down to the new year holding a cheap noisemaker and a cheaper glass of champagne onstage while trying to do your act. Especially if you're in the middle of it when the clock strikes twelve. I might as well stand there naked to get their attention at that point and really that's not a good way for anyone to bring in the New Year.

All of a sudden it's midnight. And all hell breaks lose, "We MUST have a good time or
2014 will suck!" is the mantra. The drinking toasts begin and go on and on. Kissing someone as the ball drops is a beautiful thing. That said, kissing the porcelain god is NOT. As I get closer to my end game, trying to stay awake to have a "good time" just doesn't appeal to me. This year, I am spending the night indoors with good friends and family. It's a much better idea to me. One thing I notice as I get older, quiet is a GOOD thing.

Then lo and behold, it's January 1st. "This will be a better year" becomes the rallying cry. "I'm gonna change, lose weight, stop smoking" blah, blah, blah .

Somewhere around January 5 we go back to who we were just a scant week ago.

Cause in the end, we're just human. And NYE is just another day.