THE BLOG
11/21/2014 03:06 pm ET Updated Jan 21, 2015

How to Get the Right Man to Commit to You

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I tell my husband that I am beyond grateful that I met him when I was 27 and not a day earlier.

Why? Because I wasn't committed enough to myself before that in order for him to truly commit to me.

Here is the deal: Unless you are truly committed to yourself (and I will talk about what that means below), nobody else can truly commit to you either.

As a life coach, I see so many women who long for nothing more than true love, a man who makes them feel special, adored and unconditionally love-worthy.

However, what they attract are men who are not willing to commit to them. Men who are only interested in them as long as they are not given too much attention. Men who seem to not value them the way they desire to be valued; inevitably leaving these women feeling like they are unworthy, insufficient and not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, perfect enough.

They surrender all of their personal power, feel shame about how they look and their lack of perfection and beat themselves up over minute details that serve absolutely no one.

What I have seen over and over again is that the missing link to a committed relationship isn't a flatter stomach, flawless skin or a perfect life.

The missing link is the way we commit to ourselves and our own innate worthiness.

We have to realize that we have immense personal power over how our lives unfold and what kind of opportunities -- and yes, men! -- come into our lives.

The way we can exercise this personal power and commit to ourselves is by giving ourselves permission to treat ourselves supremely well: physically, emotionally, the way we speak to ourselves, the way we hold ourselves walking down the street.

Committing to yourself means:

  • believing in yourself
  • trusting your own abilities
  • speaking to yourself with utter kindness
  • following your interests and curiosities
  • operating from your strengths (rather than working to hide your weaknesses)
  • listening to your intuition
  • cherishing your body
  • living in the expression of your authenticity
  • speaking with your own voice, rather than pleasing others at the expense of your own opinions
  • not letting fear and self-doubt get the better part of you
  • knowing where you boundaries are
  • forgiving yourself and others
  • generously creating opportunities for yourself to thrive and be you

In essence, committing to yourself means fostering the kind of relationship within yourself that provides enough gentleness where you can see your own beauty, light up in your own worthiness as the woman you are, fail without being a failure and have your own back, no matter what.

All the things you want from a committed man you first have to be willing to give to yourself.

You set the standard for how you are to be treated. You cannot attract commitment if it doesn't exist within yourself first. Especially not from the man who is right for you.

By going through this journey myself in my 20s and having worked with hundreds of women through this journey of self-commitment since then, I know that there is no shortcut. I know that you cannot fill an inner void or inner need without being willing to fill it yourself first. You relationship -- in fact, your life -- won't flourish unless you give yourself permission to flourish on your own first.

In the comments below, I'd love to hear from you: How do you want to begin committing to yourself? What is one thing you want to focus on this week?