03/17/2006 05:29 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Three Crazy Things Democratic Politicians Believe

1. My base is the loony left. The Republican base is the mainstream.

The only thing crazy the Democratic base has done is vote for the spineless representatives they have now. Other than that, they thought it was a bad idea to go into Iraq -- they were 100% right. They thought the Bush administration was lying about Iraq's connection to 9/11 -- they were 100% right. They thought the Bush administration was exaggerating Iraq's WMD program to justify an unwarranted pre-emptive strike against a country that did not attack us -- they were 100% right.

They think that Bush clearly broke the law by ignoring FISA's unequivocal language to get a court order before spying on Americans -- they are 100% right.

The Republican base believes they are going to get sucked up into the air by the Jesus Hoover vacuum during the Rapture. That they are literally going to be sucked up into the sky! And the liberals are the crazy ones?

The Republicans win elections by running to their base. Instead of taking that as a lesson to run to their own base, the Democrats instead learn the lesson that they should also run to the Republican base. Are we stuck in some bad comedy the French would enjoy? Even Jerry Lewis wouldn't be this goofy.

Really, the Democrats are going to win elections by trying to out-Republican Republicans? Somewhere Jerry Lewis is embarrassed (and in a lot of back pain).

Note to Democratic politicians: There is nothing wrong with your base, there's something wrong with you!

The latest poll of independents has President Bush's approval rating at 23%. Milosevic had better numbers in Croatia. But Democrats explained that's because Croatian centrists rallied to Slobodan's defense when the World Court tried to censure him.

Yes, I just made a passing analogy of Bush to Milosevic, not in their war crimes but in their popularity rankings among centrists Croatians. No, since I am not a Democratic official, I will not be apologizing for it tomorrow.

If the independents are this dead set against the President, running to the center doesn't mean running towards Bush, it means running from him!

Amazing fact: Nineteen Democratic Senators who are still in the Senate supported a resolution to censure Bill Clinton for receiving oral sex, but those same Senators are now refusing to censure President Bush for breaking a federal law and ignoring Congress.

Another note to Democratic politicians: President Clinton was in your party, President Bush is in the other party.

2. If we oppose Bush's ridiculously aggressive foreign policy, we will be seen as weak on defense.

No, you will be seen as weak on defense because you are seen as weak on everything. Republicans win elections based on the strength of their convictions (right or wrong). Instead of learning the lesson to run on the strength of their convictions, the Democrats learn the lesson to run on the strength of Republican convictions.

Strong on defense does not equal attacking random Middle Eastern countries that did not attack you. The pre-emptive strike doctrine is madness. It is wildly destabilizing, has made us less safe, created more terrorism and has brought us into the quicksand of Iraq. And Democrats still think they can't speak against it because it wouldn't be tough.

You know what's particularly untough -- meekly copying your opponent's strategy and having no convictions of your own. Strength isn't about who can invade more countries. It doesn't make you tough if you send the 101st Airborne into Canadian airspace and firebomb the Mounties. It makes you an idiot.

Note to Democratic politicians: Real strength is having the courage of your convictions and fighting for principles you believe in.

3. We don't want to appear angry because Fox News Channel will yell at us if we do.

I love the irony of the angriest men in America -- the frothing at the mouth, hateful conservative talk show hosts -- chastising Democratic politicians for being too angry. Come on, how funny is that? Rush Limbaugh saying that Al Gore is too full of hate and anger?

It's funny enough when the clueless conservatives listening don't get that stunning piece of irony, but when the Democratic Senators also don't get it, it goes from comedy to tragedy.

Don't you get it? They're trying to dissuade you from criticizing their leader by painting you as out-of-control angry guy if you do. John Kerry ran a whole sunny, shiny, happy, smiley convention based on the fear that he would seem angry if he criticized the President too much. Dude, you were running against him. Kerry's the only candidate to lose four points coming out of his own convention. Gee, I wonder why?

Note to Democratic politicians: In politics, as well as life, you win by attacking not by sitting on your hands with a goofy smile on your face.

Attacking doesn't have to mean being dirty or unfair. It does mean being aggressive in fighting for your ideas -- and for your country. The President says he doesn't have to follow a law made by Congress or consult the judiciary in doing warrantless searches -- that is the time to be aggressive in fighting for the principles of this country. You cannot allow one man to be above the law. It is the very antithesis of this country. If instead of fighting back hard against this clear law-breaking, you sit back with a dopey look on your face -- not only will you be selling out your country but you will have also lost the respect of anyone even thinking about voting for you.

Who votes for people they don't respect? Not very many people. And that in a nutshell is why Democrats keep losing elections when poll after poll shows the American people are on their side on the actual issues.

Public Enemy once said, "Get up, it's time to get 'em back." I doubt they were talking to Democratic Senators at the time, but their advice couldn't be more true today. If ever there was such a time, this is it.

Final note to Democratic politicians: Please stand up for yourselves, so we know that you can stand up for us.