12/14/2012 03:06 pm ET Updated Feb 13, 2013

Dopiest Right Wing Movies of 2012

No one goes to Andrew Breitbart's Big Hollywood site anymore. They're so rudderless and fifth-rate it's not even good for laughs. You don't even have the heart to make fun of them. They've got nothing. They're like feral children guarding a skeleton in a sundress, or the rump elements of Reed Irvine's Accuracy in Media.

So I'll bet they're making a list of the best conservative movies of the year, but I don't have it in me to read it. (Can you have no respect for someone and still be disappointed? Yes. You can be disappointed in people in general.) Here's this list instead.

Won't Back Down

According to Won't Back Down, the problem with the public school system is lazy unionized teachers. They don't want to work for a living, and they don't have to, and if you don't believe me, ask Philip Anschutz, who financed it, with money he inherited. (The movie was filmed under the title Still I Rise but either shame, or Maya Angelou's lawyers must have gotten in the way. They changed it to Learning to Fly -- really, they did -- before Won't Back Down. They would have eventually gone though all the other Tom Petty songs and gotten to Don't Do Me Like That, but I guess they ran out of time.) Viola Davis, who was so committed to her son's education in Doubt that she didn't mind if priests had sex with him, is back with more good ideas about fixing America's schools.


In which the head of the British secret service learns that the man who's blown up her office, and killed half a dozen people, is a former member of the British secret service. Called before a parliamentary commission to explain this fuck up, she learns -- while testifying -- that the former agent (whom she has had brought back to England) has killed more people and is coming to kill her. Rather than warn the people in the room, or leave, she recites a passage from Tennyson about old-time values. Her former employee arrives, kills many more people, and eventually her, too.

The Dark Knight Rises

In Reverseland, there are secret black torture sites in other countries, but the people whisked away to them tend to be millionaire socialites, and the people doing the whisking are the poor. Held without trial, one millionaire socialite escapes, and leads a heroic charge of unarmed policemen against a heavily armed mob of well-organized street people. The street people, though they posses tanks and atomic weapons, engage the police in a fistfight.

Atlas Shrugged Part II

Some rich idiots lose millions of dollars making a message movie about how the brilliance of rich people is that they only do things for money. This is the sequel to that movie. It loses millions of dollars, too.

Red Dawn

North Korea (population 24 million) invades America. America's teenagers fight back, and after a series of crummy, cheap, bloodless battles that make the original Red Dawn look like Paths of Glory, steal a magic suitcase that will either destroy all Koreans or close that space portal from the Avengers, I forget. Highlight: After the North Koreans napalm the teenagers' mountain redoubt, the teens wander a desolate, smoldering hellscape, but even in the inevitable helicopter pullback shot you can still can still clearly make out Isabel Lucas' gleaming teeth.

Last Ounce of Courage

In rural Reverseland, Fred (the Hammer) Williamson and an ACLU-like organization have taken away everyone's right to celebrate Christmas, or even put up a Christmas tree in the town square. This makes Jennifer O'Neill -- I swear to God -- play more scenes in which she cries than scenes in which she doesn't cry. Meanwhile, an extremely dramatic -- if you know what I mean -- drama coach has taken Christ out of the high school Christmas pageant. The teens revolt and -- again, I swear to God -- trick him into a closet. Where he belongs. The teens put on their own Christmas show, building to a home video of one teen's father dying in either Iraq or Afghanistan (who cares, really?) seconds after explaining that he's fighting for the right to say "Merry Christmas." A wounded veteran in the audience leads a slow clap that builds and builds.

Act of Valor

International jihadists are kidnapping and torturing CIA agents, while planning to destroy America from their yachts and a Mexican milk factory. Not if the Navy Seals have anything to say about it!

2016: Obama's America

In election year 2004, the biggest documentary was Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11, in which he made a powerful case that President Bush was responsible for everything bad in the world except sleep apnea and the high cost of printer ink. Everyone who was inclined to believe these things went to the movie and nodded so hard ushers needed extra time between shows to sweep up the dandruff. This year it was the other side's turn, and professional liar Dinesh D'Souza made 2016: Obama's America, starring himself, as he travelled the world asking, "Why am I such a tremulous little dormouse?" And: "Why does Obama hate America?" As with Fahrenheit, The choir was sung to, and the president won reelection anyway.