04/04/2014 02:57 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Supreme Court Rules to Bring Back Segregation in Favor of Corporations

WASHINGTON -- On April Fool's day, the Supreme Court showed the country its complete lack of irony with a 5-4 decision to bring back the segregation laws of the pre-1950s.

In the case of McCutcheon v. Federal Election Commission, the court ruled that all living, breathing human beings are now second-class citizens to corporations -- who are not only people, but rich, white, male people, with devilishly good looks, who should be free to bask in their God-given privileges without the constant whine of the democratic process.

The decision said that Americans have the right to be outspent and silenced through limitless corporate campaign spending when choosing candidates for Congress and president.

Chief Justice Roberts opened his opinion for the court, saying: "There is no right more basic in our plutocracy than -- oh, crap, I meant democracy. Wait, lemme start over."

Roberts went on to say that the decision to turn human beings into second-class citizens is in no way an attack on the democratic process. "No, gutting the Voting Rights Act last year was an attack on the democratic process. But, hey, it's not working fast enough, so we thought we'd speed things up."

Before the United States discovered that corporations were living beings, Congress had unwittingly passed laws after Watergate to cap campaign spending in an effort to curb corruption and restore the public's faith in honest elections.

"Curbing corruption? Please, that was soooo the last two and a half centuries ago," said Justice Clarence Thomas, who also voted in favor of the ruling. "I mean, hello? This is twenty-first-century America now. We let insurance companies write our health care laws. We invade sovereign nations and topple regimes without cause. We give Wall Street the keys to the Treasury. I mean, seriously. Get with the with program."

While some are already taking full advantage of the decision, the Supreme Court is encouraging Americans not to concern themselves with the day-to-day ramifications of second-class status.

Americans are still free to sit anywhere on the bus or marry whomever they choose. (Mostly.) And since corporations rarely get thirsty, Americans are still allowed to drink from any water fountain they choose.

At least, outside of the voting polls.