06/11/2014 04:42 pm ET Updated Aug 11, 2014

How to Make the Most of the Summer

Stephen Simpson via Getty Images

Summer begins June 21st. I know, it's already hot as hell, but that's just because of climate change.

To get you prepped for the summer, I'm doing my first annual (no, that never makes sense) ... inaugural summer guide to retaining sanity and coolness. A lot can happen in 90 days. Your car's air conditioning can stop working at a moment's notice, providing your nether-regions to endlessly sweat like baked clams oreganata. You can get Hep C from some sketchy girl you met in the woods at a Tough Mudder event, or you can just do nothing -- like a European. And just enjoy yourself.

This is a short list of what to do and what to avoid to get you through the best time of the year.

Number one: Avoid any graduation party. Chances are you'll be hit up for some graduation party. The older you are the more likely it will be for some cousin graduating from SUNY Potsdam. As enticing as this will be -- the free booze, probably single femmes running around playing volleyball -- don't go.

"But why?"

Well, the first hour or two might actually be fun. You're drinking some Corona Extra (sans lime), showing off your beer pong accuracy, and flirting with some 22-year-old who majored in Women's Studies. But as the evening gets older, you start thinking back to your college days when you would have run through this party with reckless abandon. You want to take this little minx home with you, OH, BUT YOU CAN'T BECAUSE THE ECONOMY SUCKS AND YOU LOST YOUR JOB SO YOUR BEDROOM IS NEXT TO YOUR MOM'S. Fail. And not only have you failed, but you'll leave the party depressed, because although Linzee gave you her number, it'll be a while before you're able to save money and move out of your childhood bedroom. And Linzee deserves better than that. Plus, you don't have money to buy your cousin a gift. I suppose you could buy him scratch tickets. Scratch tickets are always a "no-show" gift. But do yourself a favor and decline the invite. Instead, spend this time watching YouTube videos on "How to surf." This will make sense later. There are 403,000 results so you're bound to find something you can work with.

Number two: Avoid any friend's party that involves children.

"But why? These are my friends, and studies have shown that socializing can add years to your life."

Unless their ill-behaved child throws a basketball at your junk.

Being with friends is a good thing, yes, but if you're going to your buddies children's birthday party and you yourself are childless, chances are you're single. If your friends all have kids, it means their social lives outside of pregnancy support groups have been terminated. Which means there won't be any single people there to distract you from the fact of how life has passed you by. There's a high degree of certainty that you'll end up having too much bottom shelf tequila and vomiting all over the kid's new mamaRoo Plush infant seat. And at $249.99 a pop, nobody's going to be thrilled with you. You'll end up having to send out one of those apology emails. An apology email is the moral equivalency of, "I've failed at life during this particular moment."

Number three: Go to the beach. Or if you're a bro, "OWN the beach."

This is where those surfing tutorials will come in handy. Make sure you rent a surfboard, or if you're completely cheap, buy one, keep the receipt, keep the plastic on it and return it after the day. If you play your cards correctly, you'll be hanging ten later that night, amirite?

You aren't actually going to use the surf board. It's a prop. Meant to entice woman to come up to you, or in the least, notice you from afar. Personally, I would stick the board in the sand like you're in "Point Break." A fedora hat would be a nice touch. Plain white bathing-shorts. Not cargo shorts. Cargo shorts are for losers (fact).

Get yourself two books desired by the 21-30 year old woman. Actual books, not on your Kindle. I don't care who tells me, "You can read it in the sun," because that's crap. Listopia has a whole page dedicated to "Female book lists." Yes. I've done the hard work for you.

At some point, there will be someone (in this scenario, a beautiful woman, but let's be real, probably some old fisherman) who comes up to you and asks if you "tidal push," or are a "Macker." Just nod and say yes. Make something up about how you were "pressing this crest" but a "shubee" came up behind you and "killed your tube." A shubee is someone who dresses and talks like a surfer but has no clue how to surf. Doesn't matter.

Before you forget, tell this "person" that you had a surfing date with a girl but she stood you up. You would have already developed a rapport at this point so there should be some empathy directed towards you. Success is almost here. In your head, go ahead and pat yourself on the back.

The worse case scenario is that she asks you if she can "tail" you, or ride on the back of the board with you. You can't because you don't know the first thing about surfing, so you mention that you would love to but you're really caught up in this book, "Shadow Kiss. Have you read it?" "You take the board," you say. "Maybe you'll teach me something," and laugh.

Well played. A much more productive day than deciding which birthday pictures should go up on your friend's Instagram account. "This one or this one?"

I know what you're thinking, by the way. The girl used the board so you can't return it. So what. Not everything in life is fair and easy.