01/19/2014 03:10 pm ET Updated Mar 21, 2014

More Snore Than Roar? Why Katy Perry and John Mayer's Relationship Strikes Me as a Stale Remake

Why do I get the feeling that I'm watching a train wreck about to happen every time I read something about Katy Perry and John Mayer, no matter how blissful the story makes their relationship sound? It's not even like this makes for original programming. In 2012, we all witnessed her brief marriage to notorious womanizer Russell Brand go off the rails shortly after leaving the station. (In case you blinked and missed it, the relationship went something like this: The two dated for three months, then got engaged. Ten months later, they got married. Fourteen months after that, Brand stole a play out of The Middle School Boy's Complete Guide to Cowardly Breakups and told Perry in a text message (?!?) that he wanted a divorce.)

Even though the outcome was hardly surprising, it was impossible not to feel for her. According to Perry, she was so devastated by the divorce that she stayed in bed for a couple of weeks. "My self-worth was in someone else's hands, which is never a good idea, because it can be taken away from you at any time. And it was, and I was shattered," Perry told the UK's Sunday Times. She also described feeling like she had been "punched in the face and kicked down the stairs a couple of times." Who hasn't been there?

She reportedly hired a breakup coach (yes, there really is such a thing) to get through it -- and it worked, sort of. She got out of bed and got back to work, at least. But then she started dating again. Now she's in an on again/off again relationship with notorious womanizer John Mayer. Mayer, as you may recall, has been in a string of on again/off again relationships with the likes of Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Cameron Diaz, Taylor Swift, Rashida Jones, and a few dozen other women whose names I don't recognize so I don't feel compelled to repeat.

I believe humans have the capacity to change, and I've always believed the goal is to learn from mistakes so as to avoid repeating them. But it doesn't appear that Perry and Mayer are mining their past missteps for whatever educational gold they might contain. Last time around Perry picked a dud and then rushed to the altar with him. This time around, Perry seems to have picked another guy cut from the same cloth, and now this relationship seems to be on a fast-track, too. As for Mayer's mistakes, where should I begin? Suffice it to say that when it comes to his love life, he seems to have a lot of churn and burn, but not a lot of learn.

Perry said in an interview to Vogue during one of her and Mayer's "off" periods that she was -- and is -- madly in love with Mayer. "Beautiful mind, tortured soul; I do have to figure out why I am attracted to these broken birds." Good idea, Katy. Otherwise, rather than "Roar," you're likely to find yourself signing, "Oops, I did it Again."

But chances don't look good for Perry this time around. Rumors are rampant that an engagement for Perry and Mayer is imminent. I guess those lessons will have to wait until after her next divorce.

Here's a bit of good news: I think I finally figured out why I feel like I'm watching a train wreck about to happen every time I read something about Katy Perry and John Mayer. It's because I probably am watching a train wreck about to happen. And if I turn out to be wrong on this, no one will be happier than me -- except for Katy Perry herself, of course.