05/15/2014 07:55 am ET Updated Jul 15, 2014

The Preschool Application of Your Dreams (and Nightmares)

Pipe Dreams Preschool
"Don't Get Your Hopes Up"
Application for Enrollment

Child's Name:*
*Please note that for the 2014-15 school year, our goal is to create an educational environment where students' first names recall a popular act on the vaudeville circuit. Examples: Velma, Gus, Daphne, Cosmo, Millicent, Arthur, Otis, Clyde.

Jimmy Jenkins.*
We realize this sounds more 1920s Chicago gangster than seasoned vaudeville performer, and for that we apologize. We're open to changing Jimmy's name if that helps. (He's pretty adaptable for a 3-year-old.) Our first preference is Roscoe, but we'd also be okay with Lou.

What activities does your toddler engage in that promote his/her cognitive, physical, emotional and social development? (Check all that apply and add any others.)

1. High-Stakes Soccer
2. Yoga Teacher Training Program
3. Intensive G&T Test Prep
4. "Speaking Shakespeare's Soliloquies" Workshop
5. Gymnastics for Olympic Shoo-Ins
6. Culinary School (specify knife skills)

Roscoe/Lou likes to ride the G train for fun. Kind of feels like we're blowing this.

With regard to your child, what are your policies about TV-watching and screen time?

Pretty much "Do as we say, not as we do after you're asleep."

Describe the sleep methodology practiced in your home(s):

These days Roscoe/Lou sleeps from 8:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m. and naps for three hours each afternoon. It's possible he may have inherited a genetic marker for clinical depression (could be from either side... yay!), but his dad and I are totally fine with that after an initial 13-month foray into "baby-led sleeping."

What authors is your child currently reading?

This seems like where we should lie. We should just lie here, right?

Why does your child deserve to be a student at Pipe Dreams Preschool?

He doesn't deserve it. We don't deserve it. It's an honor to be able to apply, really.

Which of the following best describes the level of your sense of entitlement? (Check all that apply.)

1. There is no way our child will not be accepted to Pipe Dreams Preschool.

2. If our child is not accepted to Pipe Dreams Preschool, it's their loss.

3. We feel sorry for poor people who have to spend their vacations in the U.S. Virgin Islands instead of on Nevis.

4. We're almost certainly related to the Kellys. The Philadelphia Kellys.

5. Anyone who doesn't eat an all-organic diet of primarily locally-grown foods is adorable and sad.

What do you hope to gain from your experience at Pipe Dreams Preschool?

An inflated sense of entitlement.

How do you plan to finance your child's tuition at Pipe Dreams Preschool? (Check all that apply.)

1. Unadvisable second mortgage ✔
2. Soul-crushing credit card debt
3. Cashing in traditional IRA with brutal tax penalty ✔
4. Dog track/Ponies/Lotto/Atlantic City
5. World's oldest profession
6. Hitting up Grampy and MeMaw and, if necessary, Nonna and Pop-Pop.

If things really go south, add 4 and 6.

Please tell us how you heard about Pipe Dreams Preschool:

We're on a few local Parent Listserves where many members are completely bananas. Looking forward to Roscoe/Lou's cubby assignment!