THE BLOG
11/17/2014 12:06 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Finally Live The Life You've Always Wanted With Wearables!

Andrew Bret Wallis via Getty Images

Everything is changing. Life will soon be pure joy.

No longer will you be forced to leave the house with merely clothes, shoes, a wallet/purse and a smartphone. You will also be happily wrapped in your wearables.

2014-11-14-beany.jpgGoogle Monitors measuring every vital and not-even-remotely vital sign will be strapped around your wrists, ankles, neck, chest, fingers, toes and if you have one, penis. You'll be sporting a Google Beanie with a propeller and gyroscopic sensor that will not allow you to fall down. No need for Dr. Scholl's under your soles, because you'll always be a fraction of a millimeter off the ground.

Google SmartShoes will "walk' you to wherever you're going. They'll turn for you.

You'll always be sporting ghoulish Gogglish glasses with bells and whistles galore. Compatible computerized Google Gloves will recognize anything you hold, like chopsticks or a jackhammer, and assist you with the procedure. It will admonish you if the device is being used improperly. For example, a buzzer will go off if you try to scribble a note with a meat thermometer.

Safety warning systems will also be in place. If you're brandishing a sharp knife and accidentally murmur the word "murder" or "suicide," a text message will pop up on your glasses saying, "Are you sure? Y/N? Blink once for YES and twice for NO." Be sure to blink fast. But not too fast, or the processor might think you only blinked once.

Along with Google Glasses, you'll also be wearing Google Nose and Google Mouth. Google Nose will filter out any unpleasant scents, like rotten garbage or steamed Brussels sprouts. Google Mouth will automatically close if you try to eat something you shouldn't, like rotten garbage or steamed Brussels sprouts.

Google Nose and Google Mouth will shield you from catching any germs while you're out and about. They will also warn you if you are not building up enough natural immunities. Google Glasses will direct you to "Please enter a crowded room, preferably a hospital waiting area, breathe deeply for five seconds, then promptly leave," or "We advise you to take off your beanie, roll around in some dirt and muck for a minute or two, get up, clean off any excess filth and grime, return your beanie to your head, and move on."

And you won't ever want to leave the house without your Google Ears. They don't do anything, but they're very funny-looking.

Life in the future (and the future is today) will be a wondrous, exciting, safe, protected, mollycoddled adventure!