THE BLOG
10/14/2014 05:51 pm ET Updated Dec 14, 2014

I've Never Completely Understood The Freezer

"What do you want for dinner?"

"What do you want? What do we have?" I said.

"Let's check the freezer."

I turned away to roll my eyes. "Okay!" It's not that easy anymore to check the freezer. You have to get down on your hands and knees and afterwards you have to get up.

Swaying a bit on all fours (for some reason, I get dizzier the lower I am to the ground), my eyes rolled again. I should've opened the freezer door before getting down. I was now in the way, had to do a crablike move to get out of the way, then swing the door open and shimmy back.

I've never completely understood the freezer. A lot of it makes no sense to me.

"So... What's in here?" I said, pretending to move things around. "Hey, how about this?" I pulled out something in a plastic bag.

"What is it?" she said.

"I don't know."

"What does it say?"

I brushed off some frost, banged it on the floor a few times, turned it every which way. "It's not talking."

"I mean, is there a date?"

"No."

"Do you remember it?"

"I don't remember it because I don't know what it is."

She huffed. "How old do you think it is?"

I looked it over and shrugged. "I have no idea, although I'm pretty sure we could still extract some partial DNA."

Huffing. "OK, put it on the counter for now."

I tossed it up there. "Good idea. After it defrosts for a few hours, we'll know what it is."

She bent over a bit and looked in. "Do you see anything else?"

"I see plenty of things. I just don't know what they are. Except for this bag of walnuts. And a box of breaded shrimp with ... three shrimp in it."

"There's also ice cream in there. Don't you see it?"

I moved some stuff. "Oh, yeah. Two cartons, actually. Moose Droppings Double-Chocolate/Blueberry Cornucopia Marshmallow Swirl and Vanilla."

"... What else," she said, with no question mark implied.

My knees were hurting. And my nose was getting cold. "I just don't recognize anything. Shouldn't we just throw all this stuff out?"

"... NO! Don't you know that your freezer should always be full so it works better? It keeps everything colder."

I'd actually heard this. Or something along those lines. "So we keep all this useless stuff in here so the ice won't melt?

"It's not useless. You just said it yourself. The stuff keeps the ice colder. So don't ever throw anything out."

A few hours later we looked inside the plastic bag to see what we'd defrosted. We still couldn't tell what it was.

So we tossed it back in the freezer so the ice would stay colder.