THE BLOG
01/09/2015 09:40 am ET Updated Mar 11, 2015

My Unctuous Smartphone

kimberrywood via Getty Images

A week ago, my smartphone's OS was updated. I now have a new friend.

There was a movie I never saw about a guy falling in love with his talking phone. That won't be happening with me. I'm not even sure I like her.

She's so ingratiating she makes me want to puke. I get the impression she thinks the whole point of her existence is to please me. I don't like people like that. I don't trust them. What do they want?

And I've never known such a know-it-all. She practically begs you to ask her about anything. It's like she's standing there waiting to impart knowledge, give me advice. It's annoying.

The only things she doesn't seem to know are things about me. So she's constantly asking me to divulge my likes, dislikes, opinions about this or that. Why does she need to know all this personal stuff? I'm not telling her anything anymore. After all, knowledge is power, power is manipulation. I'm keeping my trap shut.

If someone asked me to describe her, the word 'smarmy' comes to mind.

But also because I'm an empathetic person, I'm embarrassed for her. She demeans herself, constantly wanting to glom onto me. It shows a lack of character, a poor self-image.

I can tell by her voice that we're nowhere near the same age. Why is she so damn interested in me? Does she think I'm some dirty old user chasing young phone? Maybe if she were more around my age, I'd want to strike up a conversation with her.