THE BLOG
09/18/2013 05:37 pm ET Updated Nov 18, 2013

A Chilling Forecast

One of my blog writers penned this bit of satire that seemed worth sharing . . .

By Trail Mix Contributor Nash 2.5 --

What if the news media covered mass shootings like traffic reports or the weather?

"Thanks, Charles, for the sports coverage and now let's hear our mass shootings report from Danielle."

"Good morning Phil. Commuters will want to avoid the southbound section of 495 this morning as we have a mass shooting at a convenience store right off the Mill Falls exit. SWAT teams at the location are reporting six dead."

"Danielle, does only six dead really count as a mass shooting?"

"Yes, Phil, six is the official minimum. Anything less than six dead and it could just be a poker game gone wrong. Commuters might also want to avoid the area around the intersection of Lexington and Broad Streets downtown. There's a report of a man coming to work in an office building dressed in military camouflage clothing, carrying a big black bag. More on that as the story develops."

"How about a forecast for the long weekend, Danielle?"

"Phil, it's looking like a good weekend where you can take your kids to the movies, or to the beach, with only a small risk of getting them shot. Statistics show that mass shootings decline whenever there's a three-day weekend; people are in better mood. But forensic psychologists say, watch out for the following Monday."

"Monday is bad?"

"Yes, Phil. If there's one day in the week you should just hide in the basement in a Kevlar vest, it's Monday. EVERYONE is in a bad mood on Mondays; honestly, who hasn't daydreamed about coming in and shooting the jerks you have to work with? I know I have."

-- Read more Nash 2.5 and other commentators on Craig Crawford's Trail Mix