THE BLOG
01/30/2015 05:45 pm ET Updated Mar 30, 2015

Katy Perry, Formerly Guilty Pleasure, Now Just Pleasure

 
I have been listening to some of the Katy Perry deeper cuts, like "Waking up in Vegas"  ("Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes") and the accusatory "Mannequin" ("You're not a man, you're a mannequin.") and beginning to think that her first album may be her best (not including her contemporary Christian music release with her name spelled wrong.) Don't get me wrong, her star pop power ballads ring across her entire oeuvre and my favorite still remains, "Firework." According to her movie, "Katy Perry: Part of Me" which I saw opening day, "Firework" is also her favorite to perform. Once in Bangkok to prevent offered sexual shenanigans, I commissioned four strippers to dance to "Firework." It wasn't Bob Fosse, but it was pretty good choreography short notice and my libido, ears, and boner's spirits remained raised.

I own every Katy Perry song, three T-shirts, and have seen her twice in concert. I also received in the mail recently three of her costumed outfits, including one that has whipped crème canisters as a bra. I contend these outfits are for a potential fund raising competitive eating stunt, but let's be honest, if I make it back to Bangkok, I know a lady boy bar with the talent to pull off the dance moves to "Peacock" ("Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock. What you waiting it's time to show it off. Don't be a shy kind of guy, I bet it's beautiful").

At Madison Square Garden, Katy and I shared a moment near the end of her expertly choreographed musical production. She was flying overhead on a balloon contraption and I looked up, locked eyes, and tilted my Goorin Brothers newsboy hat towards her. She looked down, spotted me among the mothers and 12-year old girls and nodding back with a tilt of her invisible hat. It was a real moment, man. Of course, a couple nights later at the Barclay Center I was in the cheap seats among Jason Kidd's retired number banner so Katy couldn't possibly see me up there. I could barely see her (although her double smiley face brassiere did help.)

Katy, is of course, performing at the Super Bowl this Sunday. My hometown Patriots are also playing (I was born in Beantown but have lived in NYC for twenty years making me the conundrum that is both a Masshole and a New Yawker.) It's going to be a banner day and I intend to wear my newly minted "Crazy Legs - number 33" Patriots jersey (note: if you are ordering from the NFL shop you really have to spend 3 bills for a quality jersey, the buck fifty ones are pretty chintzy, while for the same price at the NHL store you can get a near game ready Bruins jersey). Halftime will be Katy Perry time and it will be hard to focus on the food, even as a competitive eater, but here are some tips from a pro on how a casual diner can eat into the fourth quarter without slowing or suffering from "a reversal of fortune."

1. There is no deflategate when it comes to passed hors d'oeuvres. Feel free to squeeze the extra juice out of jalepeno poppers or the unwanted cheese run-off from mozzarella sticks.

2. I am serious about the 7 layer dip, only eat the 3 layers.

3. The end of the first quarter is a great time to cut back on the carbonated beer and switch to whiskey or diet whiskey, if you are on weight watchers.

4. Proper chicken wing technique is essential. Please refer to previous posts regarding the Magna Carta of Meat, the Meat Umbrella, and The Drexel Hill Reverse Smokeshifter.

5. Celebrate a Patriots touchdown by spiking a geoduck into a large bowl of baked beans

6. New England Clam Chowder is the only kind of chowder there is. Don't serve any of that mouth breathing Eli Manning Manhattan crap. Potatoes, Clams, Elmer's Glue - that is all you need for a good chowder or chouwda as it is correctly pronounced.

7. Don't even think of changing the channel at halftime. Katy Perry is way cuter than any puppies and turn the volume up when she sings, "Firework." What are you un-American?

Katy may be my favorite performer, but my second favorite band (behind The Tubes) is not performing at half time of the Super Bowl. Indeed, The Knobs - a three piece punk band with a tuba as one of the pieces, was not even asked to audition to join Katy (they gave the spot to Lenny Kravitz and I hear he didn't even have to audition.) I asked The Knobs if they would take some time away from their upcoming album "Denim on Denim" to record something for the Super Bowl - something Katy Perry would notice and be proud of - Something she would notice and perhaps ask me on a date to the Corner Bistro, where she would flip her multicolored hair and say things like, "That Knobs song has some great guitar riffs - is the same guy as on their first album, "Live in Siberia"? Oh Katy. Anyway, The Knobs recording under the moniker "Elvis Helmet" put out this epic anthem, "Pat Riot 2015" Katy - the video is here.

What is that? You remember the first Elvis Helmet song "Pat Riot" and the video from 7 years ago as the Patriots were heading into the Super Bowl against New York with an undefeated season on the line. You mean this one.

...well, I mean, there was some slight hubris there. Yeah, some Icarus wax wing stuff, but isn't better to crash to Earth on melted dreams than to never try to fly to the highest height. I mean truly if I am going to fly into the Sun, I would want to do it with you, Katy Perry. 

Crazy Legs Conti really likes Katy Perry. He is not kidding. He can be reached (by Katy) at www.crazylegsconti.com