If you're a mom, you know how tough it is to make and keep a New Year's resolution. Personally, I gave up years ago. Between the stress eating that kills the weight loss promises to my sailor mouth emerging 20 seconds after the New Year rings in, resolutions are a bitch to keep.
But a girl can dream... and wish and hope, right?
If I could make any resolution and keep it, I would resolve to make myself a bit more presentable so that when I open the door for a delivery, the UPS driver doesn't run off screaming, "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY..." It's pitiful. I'm like the lost character from American Horror Story. (Thanks kids!) More than one delivery person has been traumatized by my appearance, and I'm pretty sure renter's insurance doesn't cover their therapy.
Even though I can't always find my way to the shower or brush the Einstein-inspired flyaways, I do believe that moms can do just about anything. We're multitasking, real-life Twister champion goddesses. But there are some things that will never, ever happen. Not in the life of a mother.
Here are 25 other crazy mom resolutions that would quickly die in a blaze of glory (brought to you by some of my favorite writers and bloggers):
Mary Widdicks of Outmanned: "I"d resolve to stop feeding my kids dinners in strip, nugget, or 'finger' form."
Joelle Wisler of Running From Mountain Lions: "I resolve to try and spend less than 100 dollars each time I go to Target. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Lola Lolita of Sammiches and Psych Meds: "I resolve to squeeze one big ass glass of red wine per night into my Weight Watchers diet, even if it means I have to starve myself the rest of the day to do it."
Toni Hammer of Is It Bedtime Yet?: "I resolve to wait until after 10:00 a.m. to bribe my kids with fruit snacks. (That's dreaming big in this house.)"
Sarah Cottrell of Housewife Plus: "I resolve to quit threatening my kids with dumb and futile things like: ' swear to God, I will eat ALL THE CHOCOLATE if you don't stop (fill in the blank)!'"
Harmony Hobbs of Modern Mommy Madness: "I'm very Type A, and that is why motherhood has driven me to the brink of alcoholism. With that being said, I resolve to take a step back this year and allow my family to sort of run wild and just be WHO THEY ARE without me constantly going behind them correcting or 'fixing' or cleaning up whatever they're doing. I'm not telling my husband about this resolution because he won't believe I can do it. Hater. (DAMNIT I TAKE IT BACK! I TAKE IT BACK! I CAN'T DO IT! OMG IT'S TOO LATE."
C Lee Reed of Helicopter Mom and Just Plane Dad: "I'd love to spend an entire day, not just a few hours, in my PJ's, with my coffee, in the recliner watching smut TV. Uninterrupted, no expectations, just vegging out!"
Alessandra of Punk Wife: "I love my husband and daughter but my WILD and CRAZY resolution is to go somewhere ALONE for a full weekend... no alarm clock or baby monitor near my head as I sleep. Just a stack of books, a cozy bed, and an endless supply of Cabernet, cheeses, and really good Italian bread."
Ginny Marie of Lemon Drop Pie: "After I cook a delicious and healthy meal, I resolve to let my husband do the dishes! (We're going to have to start using paper plates and disposable pans...)"
Kristen Mae of Abandoning Pretense: "To continue to establish the following rule: 'If Mommy is talking, shut up and listen.' This is not a power struggle; it's me saving everyone from the insane lady I know I'm capable of becoming if I keep having to f*cking shout over everyone, or when I'm trying to speak at a normal friendly volume, getting interrupted. This is the year I prove to everyone that I exist."
Victoria Fedden: "I resolve to take a shower, blow dry my hair, and wear makeup every day. Oh and to wear clothes that aren't wrinkled or my sister's old fat clothes that she shrunk out of and I grew into and I also resolve to stop lying about eating quinoa and kale when I'm actually eating tortilla chips."
Natasha Peter of Epic Mommy Adventures: "I'd love to sleep alone, but it doesn't look like that will happen any time soon. My son has taken over my bed, and refuses to leave!"
Alice Gomstyn of Mildly Inappropriate Mommy: "To stop turning on the TV for the kids in the morning so I can get extra sleep. Ha ha, just kidding, that'll never happen. I love you TV, please don't leave me!"
Meg Sanity: "I'd resolve to keep the floor clean. Or maybe just swept but not mopped. Or maybe just without raisins squished into the carpet."
Julie of I Like Beer and Babies: "I resolve to not yell at my kids for at least 24 hours after the new year. I probably won't make it..."
Marcia Kester Doyle of Menopausal Mother: "I'm going to find a better hiding place for my chocolate stash because the teenager keeps finding it, even when it's hidden in a tampon box. Don't ask."
Hannah Mayer of sKIDmarks: "I resolve to dust the vacuum at least once a week. Also, to teach the girls to stop hitting their feet when they pee in the front yard."
Amanda Muchnok Mushro of Questionable Choices in Parenting: "I'm not going to yell 357 "Where are your shoes?" every morning. Sigh, a girl can dream."
Angela Keck of Writer Mom's Blog: "I would like for just once someone to say: 'Don't worry about dinner tonight, I'll take care of it while you watch TV!'"
Janie Emaus: "This may be hard to keep, but I'm going to try not to worry about everyone! My daughter. My grandkids. My mom. It's not very wild, but for me it's unrealistic. I'm going to try and worry most about ME."
Amber Lite of Mommy Needs Wine Not Whine: "I'm going to stop caring so much what my house looks like. (Hahahahaha, yeah right!)"
Jen Simon: "I resolve to stop reading the comments on my articles because they always piss me off. Just kidding! I'm a masochist."
Carrie Groves of Ponies and Martinis: "I resolve to have my kids really clean their rooms and not shove everything in the closet.'
Jennifer of Down the Hole: "I'm going to clean out all of the errant food out from under the kids' seats in the car. Seriously. I think something died back there."
Stephanie Farley of Crayon Marks and Tiger Stripes: "I'd like to pee alone. But I just don't see that happening."
What crazy mom resolution would you make if you knew you'd never break it?