Dear Bill,
So you didn't come to my 29th birthday party last year. You also weren't there when I rang in 25 by greeting a Buenos Aires sunrise after finishing up at the night clubs. And when I turned 18, and my college orientation group threw me into the Delaware River, well, where were you? Nowhere to be found.
Seriously though, don't sweat it. And fortunately enough for the both of us, you, Bill, have before you a chance at a true Groundhog Day moment. As you can see from my online Twitter campaign, my housemates and I tried to get your attention to come to my birthday party last year. We failed.
Now I am turning 30 and my house will be repeating the same party we had last year on the night of Saturday, September 21. The location is Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, and the party won't be the same unless you come and take part in the fun. The fact that September 21 also happens to be your birthday will only make the evening more special. We'll supply the party favors, including the karaoke machine. (We know you love that.) We even have a backyard!
I want to emphasize -- this is a real invitation to a real party. So please let me know if you are interested. Reach out and I will provide further details. (My e-mail address is: daniel.fastenberg@huffingtonpost.com)
You could very well react to this letter by saying barely functional references to your films are a rather cheap, desperate and fawning way to get your attention. And you'd be absolutely right if you say that.
But you're kind of a big deal and difficult to get a hold of. So I promise I won't force you to discuss your movies when you come. But I did want to show you why I'd choose you over other movie stars to come to my party. After all, you've delivered countless unforgettable lines in your movies. I've always loved this gem: "Don't you have some kind of a line that you keep open for emergencies or for celebrities? I'm both. I'm a celebrity in an emergency."
Conveniently enough, that sentiment also describes my current predicament, so I am hoping you of all people can empathize.
Of course, the idea of reaching out to you is only possible because of your well-known record for making such appearances throughout New York City. I know, for instance, you've recently been spotted in Williamsburg. Surely, someone like yourself would also want to make a showing in the new Williamsburg -- Bed-Stuy -- no?
So what do you say? I'll only turn 30 once and that karaoke machine's got your name written all over it. Me, my friends and Jon Bon Jovi will be waiting.