Technology is an incredible thing. Every week there is another astonishing breakthrough in the fields of medicine, computing, aviation, the list goes on and on. Even as we speak we are getting closer to a working holographic generator and the total immersion pornography that is no doubt the intended result, and I salute this, and will be first in line to buy the Kaley Cuoco upgrade package when it becomes available.
Sadly, though, one field does not enjoy the same kind of investment: the science of a good night out.
Imagine for one second what NASA, CERN, or, perhaps even Microsoft, could do if they were to spend just one lunchtime thinking about our evenings instead of space travel, solving the indisputable mysteries of mankind or developing patches for issues with their operating system that they should have figured out before they sold it to us. Imagine how immaculately packaged that Apple product would be, and how great its CEO would feel in his key note speech when he said, "Guys, no more hangovers, lets get loaded."
In the hope of starting some serious debate and perhaps even funding on this subject here is a list of things I feel science could in fact be working on.
1) BREATH-O-DIAL
This downloadable app, pre-set with a call group that includes your mother, boss and every person you've ever dated, comes with a handy blow into nozzle that fits conveniently into the headphone socket of all major smart-phones and decides if you are in fact too drunk to make that particular call, thus preventing no end of drunken vitriol about pay rises, renditions of Lionel Richie, and how she really loved your sister more than you, or at least that's how it felt growing up.
2) INTAKULATOR
By factoring in elements such as your body weight, past history and how carb-heavy and absorbent your dinner was, this handy device regulates your drinking allowing you to achieve a preset, perfect level, such as warm or cheeky, without the risk of straying into gropey or comatose. Also comes with an in-built hangover detector with a warning light that flashes when you reach -- will desire death. Perhaps it could even come with the wise and reassuring voice of James Earl Jones and not that arrogant bitch Siri.
3) THEME TUNE-O-RAMA
This interactive system remotely accesses the bars playlist and activates your favorite/theme song as you enter. Perhaps via a quick text alert it could also prompt the bars other occupants to yell your name like they did for the chubby guy on Cheers.
4) MORAL ARBITER 3000
With settings that could include your Mother, Rabbi, Conservative best friend or, perhaps even Chuck Norris, the MA 3000 scans your current activity and decides if your chosen moral avatar would actually approve. That way just as you are about to demonstrate that it is in fact you and not Michel Flatley who is Lord of the Dance a cheery chime will inform you that Chuck says no.
5) TIPOMETER
This handy device analyses service, taking into account the servers competency, mood and personal hygiene and informs us what we should actually be tipping, so that we can then ignore it out of fear of a firmly entrenched social convention that only applies in North America and tip the arbitrarily designated 10 percent.
6) TIME MACHINE
The applications of this one should be apparent to all. It would also allow us to book the prerequisite seven weeks in advance that suddenly everyone requires for a night out. This will not prevent them cancelling on you 48 hours beforehand but when they do you can go back in time and use the Unfriender-tron on their ass.
7) UNFRIENDER-TRON
Developed in collaboration with Facebook, this system allows you to physically un-friend people you no longer like or who have crossed you one time too many in as quiet and humane a way as possible. Simply click and they will be forever removed from your life and you will quietly disappear from theirs.
8) THAT THING FROM MEN IN BLACK
This device could be used on people who have children, thus making them forget they have children (temporarily) so you don't have to talk about their f*****g children all night.
9) TELEPORTATION
The only solution to actually getting people to leave their zip code for one night, because getting on the subway or calling a taxi sure doesn't seem to work.
10) SOMETHING THAT CAN SOBER YOU UP FAST
When I inquired about this I was informed that the eighties were in fact rife with a substance that already did this. I have no idea what they could be referring to and not just because my mother reads this paper.
11) SOMETHING TO MAKE DRINKS FREE
When asked about this my friend Lindsay informed me that heels and mascara already do this. However when I tried it I got mixed results.
Do you have an invention? We'd love to hear about it. Let us know in the comment section below, or at bezerkskrankenhaus.com.