02/16/2012 11:15 am ET Updated Apr 17, 2012

Fashion Week For Suburban Dads: Day Four

Tonight, the crème de la crème of A-List suburban dads will be at the most sought-after show of Fashion Week, the Rangers vs. Blackhawks game at glitzy Madison Square Garden. What will the real "Players" among us be wearing? Shimmering poly-blend hockey jerseys in patriotic color schemes, bold block-style numerals, and surnames of our favorite players. Yours truly will be resplendent in the same signature style my eight-year-old son wears to school on an average of five days per week: 30 on the front, Lundqvist on the back. Why no "u" after the "q?" Because real style icons make their own rules, including the rules of grammar, whether they're on the runway or on the rink.

And with that in mind, this maverick suburban dad isn't waiting for game time at J.J. McFuckington's Sports Bar and Wings to show off the flowing, fluid lines of my XXL hockey jersey from I've had it on since I flossed after breakfast, and I will strut it like a peacock to each of the sizzling Fashion Week hotspots I'll attend through the wee hours of the night, including Home Depot to buy a new WetVac.

Word to the fashion-wise: please resist the temptation to achieve a "layered look" by pairing this piece over a long sleeve Spandex UnderArmour T-shirt that is three sizes too small. I tried it this morning, and it detracted from the rugged pleasure of this piece: the stimulating sensation of my bare belly hairs poking through each of the jersey's micro-mesh holes. And just between us suburban dads, let me tell you that the wife seemed rather "stimulated" herself when she noted my existence for at least one or one-half second today while preparing a baggie of Pirate's Booty for our daughter's lunchbox.

"Why do grown men wear sports jerseys in public like they're dressing up for Halloween as professional athletes?" she asked.

"The same reason grown women wear cheerleader uniforms and carry pom-poms to work," I replied.


Gotta run, big daddys. Or should I say, "Gotta glide!" Be sure to check this page tomorrow for my final edition of:


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