03/17/2009 07:13 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Gossip Girl: Ladies Night

G-Spotters, it's been too long. I've been as excited as everyone else for Gossip Girl's return. But fate is a cruel mistress - I am in a country that does not broadcast GG. I know - how is that even possible? Wouldn't America's image problems abroad be immediately solved if the world could just see this show?

Fear not, though, there is still a recap. Since I have apparently been writing this blog from too much of a guy's perspective, I recruited two girls from the street, Meg and Erin, to give a ladies' version:

8:01 GG starts off with "All the world's a stage and the men and women merely players...." Wasn't Shakespeare basically Gossip Girl with some tact?

8:03 Prediction #1: Something bad happens to Blair. What other way can this episode go with her saying "Everything is perfect. I have the world on a string"?

8:03 Dorota just caressed Blair's hairpiece like a newborn. Oh, how we've missed you.

8:04 New Gossip Girl rule: Blair should always expose as much back as Serena bares front.

8:04 Prediction #2: Serena tries to put the moves on douchey director Julian. It's amazing how they continue to add new characters when they run out of people for her to hook up with.

8:06 Carter is back after a year-long hiatus. And he says he's got connections on EVERY continent. I'd love to hear his stories from Antarctica.

8:07 Jenny's mullet grew out! Is that why they took four weeks off?

8:08 Giving Dan high-school-boy-handwriting in his note to Rachel is the most realistic thing the show has ever done.

8:14 Looks like the extra padding in the fat suit gave Yuki some balls... and a hilarious innie.

8:16 Slow zoom kiss. Nothing like talking about secret societies to get you turned on.

8:19 Rufus, please fix your greasy side part - take a cue from Jenny's new hairstylist.

8:29 Prediction #3: In about one minute, Dan and Rachel will have sex in the storage closet.

8:30 Yes! Complete with sexy dissolves! (And nice wrist kiss, Dan - did you learn about that in the sex advice column of Maxim?)

8:37 Is Director Julian talking to Chace Crawford or Nate about his acting?

8:49 Wow Elle, nice bag. But why are you leaving? Both you and Chuck love purple!

8:53 Vanessa surprises Nate from behind as he has headphones on and is staring at his computer with only ONE hand visible. I don't need to be a boy to guess what he is doing...obviously just watching "The Age of Innocence."

8:56 Oh B, underage drinking at an upscale hotel bar... but not for long I'm guessing. Wait, is that olive oil and vinegar... on ice?

8:57 Serena: "You're still my best friend." I forgot that at that age, those words were all it took to make everything better.

8:58 Spotted: Dorota in a pink robe and BUNNY SLIPPERS! (Daniel, write something funny here. We are tired.)

Well that's what Meg and Erin had to say. Sadly, it looks like they ran out of steam with two minutes to go. Maybe you can finish their last remark in the comments section below. And I will be making sure to schedule my trips around GG from now on. Til then, stay spotting.