11/18/2013 09:25 am ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

Obamacare Bans Fake Insurance, Public Outraged!

WASHINGTON -- Americans, including many Democrats, are up in arms because the Affordable Care Act infringes on their basic right to bear fake insurance cards.

"I was paying $14 a month for a very nice looking wallet cards that made it look like I had insurance," said Doris Duperette of Springfield, Alabama. "It had my name on it, all kinds of tiny printed words and numbers. And it fit right in my purse! What more did I need?"

But the Obama administration has snatched such cards out of the hands of millions of Americans by demanding that insurance companies actually provide insurance to go along with cards.

By eliminating such classic actuarial ploys as pre-existing conditions, lifetime caps and detailed exclusions, the Affordable Care Act makes it significantly harder for insurance companies to bilk busy Americans with worthless wallet cards.

"When you have to sell actual protection -- real coverage -- with those cards, that cuts way back on our profits. And when you cut back on our profits, that means it takes that much longer for me to build a new pool house," said Ellis Hardthart of Frost & Grand.

Fortunately for the Americans victimized by this unprecedented usurpation, Congressional Republicans are working hard to pass legislation that protects our fundamental right to be duped.

"That essential right has been a bedrock principle in the United States since snake-oil salesman first roamed the great plains," explained Ohio Congressman John Boehner. "When the nation no longer supports ingenious scams and dubious products, the End Days are surely near."

In the meantime, countless Americans will be forced to have real insurance when all they want and need is a piece of paper.