06/20/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

"The Hannitus"

Sit still for a moment. Feel the breeze?

Let me guess. A lot of it's coming from your right, isn't it?

Thought so.

It's a bird.

A big one. Big enough to actually create the wind that you're feeling.

Called the Hannitus Blabanoxia, it's a loud, spineless, flightless bird who tirelessly squawks and flaps his wings but never seems to take flight. It's but one of many such birds from the subphylum "Talkus Non-Interruptus." They're known for their closed minds and their unparalleled ability to continuously perpetuate deception by spinning, backpedaling and talking over all other animals in their proximity.

If you found this annoying creature in your yard, you'd definitely shoo it away. Or move.

If we could somehow hook the Hannitus up to a generator, we could solve the energy crisis that it would tell you we don't have.

Lately, its basic problem seems to be that it just can't stand that people like President Obama so much better than they liked Bush. It resents having had to work so hard trying to convince the public that Bush was smart, caring and responsible, and it just can't stomach the fact that Obama is all of those things naturally.

So it jukes and jives and twists and lies and... flails.

I'll give you just a few examples:

The Hannitus berates Obama for traveling too much, saying that the president should spend more time behind his desk solving problems. Then when one of his guests -- recently it was the far smarter Jesse "The Body" Ventura -- mentioned that W spent almost a third of his term of office on vacation, the Hannitus answered by saying that's not a problem because "a president is always working." Convenient? Hypocritical? Oh, just a little.

Flap, flap, flap.

On another show one of the blonde Fox political strategists -- actually an entertainment reporter named Courtney Friel -- was the voice of reason. No really -- she was. And I'm guessing you'll never see her with the Hannitus again because she kept disagreeing with him. He was trying to foment the recent Nancy Pelosi controversy into a full blown political scandal and Courtney said, "Well, Sean, both sides have their scandals." His answer? "Yeah, but the Democrats are in charge now." For the Hannitus -- surprisingly honest.

Flap, flap, flap.

Every single day the Hannitus goes on and on about how Obama's not a great orator because he uses a teleprompter. Horror of horrors. We have a president who wants to be precise instead of a self-described cowboy who thought it was cool to shoot from the hip. So the Hannitus flails away. (By the way -- Bush used a teleprompter on many occasions. The fact that he may have had trouble reading all the big words is an entirely different problem.)

Flap, flap, flap.

When told that Obama inherited a huge financial crisis from his predecessor, the Hannitus denied that it was true. He claimed that Bush was merely babysitting the financial crisis handed to him from the Clinton administration. That the numbers don't support that doesn't seem to bother him at all. He's so used to saying "It's Clinton's fault" that he just goes on autopilot. (There's a crow outside my office right now cawing for no good reason. He can't help it. Just like the Hannitus, it's his nature.)

Flap, flap, flap.

Other pertinent facts about The Hannitus: It feeds on fear, loves to drill, admires Newts, thinks the words "safety" and "Cheney" are synonymous and that animals called Rove and Giuliani are still relevant. It flaps incessantly about the merits of waterboarding but always manages to forget that it happens to be against the law. It feeds at a trough called Murdoch and thinks what makes Americans great is their ability to agree with him.

Flap, flap, flap.

There are other instances of this bird's bizarre behavior. Tons of them. After all, the Hannitus is out there squawking every... single... day.

But if we're lucky... like some other creatures which served no good purpose... eventually it will become extinct.